Author's Note- While this is intended as a stand-alone story, some readers might like to check out Issue #32 of 'Simpsons Comics' for its inspiration: "Milhouse the Man, Krusty In the Can, And the Great Springfield Frink-Out".

As the story begins, the screen is pitch-black. There is fantasy music playing in the background; ominous music with a slightly computerized/MIDI sound to it. As the music plays, the title 'FRINKY FANTASY' slowly comes onto the screen in fancy silvery letters. After five seconds or so, the title fades back out, the music still playing. With the screen still black, the music fades into the distant background and the voice of one PROFESSOR JOHN FRINK can be heard. As FRINK is talking, the screen fades into a shot of the outside of his house/laboratory on a stormy night. The camera then zooms in on the house, heading for the open window at the far left. As it moves FRINK is eventually seen on the inside, sitting at his desk in a living room and writing in a journal. He is saying aloud what he is writing.

FRINK: From the Journal of Professor John Frink, Entry #6493....Today is an anniversary of sorts for me, one that calls for much reflection. [quickly] By that I mean the looking-back-at-things sort of reflecting, not the mirror type.... [returning to normal] It was six months ago today that the Tinfoil Catastrophe occurred, short-circuiting the Frinkodyne 3000 and rending the space-time continuum asunder. *ng-hey* All is well though, as the machine was repaired and I returned the universe back to its ordinary, every-day existence. It was quite a trial though, what with the escaping and the screaming and the hey-hey-hey-everything's-all-mixed-up....*ha-hem* Even as I write, I ponder the very nature of this incident, and of all my other scientific experimentations as well. All it took was a mere wad of tinfoil in the microwave to disrupt the circuitry of the Frinkodyne 3000 and the flow of the universe itself, so Lord knows what would happen if the invention fell into other, more foolish hands. *glaven* Should I stop while I'm ahead? Should I stop my constant hovering between mere scientific advancement and "playing God"? [pause] Naaah.....The world needs people like me. I'm sure I can find a non-evil use for the Frinkodyne 3000.

As he says this last sentence, FRINK pats the Frinkodyne 3000, which is sitting on a table next to the desk. The music has ended. The Frinkodyne 3000 basically resembles a large game cartridge with a small screen and an antennae coming out of the top. As FRINK is doing this, BALPHAZAR walks into the room. BALPHAZAR is FRINK's pet, servant and sidekick, a talking winged monkey. He is bearing a small shopping bag and a large grin. FRINK turns to him.

FRINK: Eh? What have you got there, Balphazar?
BALPHAZAR: [taking a small cartridge out] A Game Shark!
FRINK: [panicking] Gaaah! You bought a robotic shark?! That's horrible! What did I tell you about hanging around Radio Shack?! There’s nothing but evil temptations and terrible, terrible things in there!
BALPHAZAR: Relax, Frinky. I got it at the local game store. It's just a little cartridge that lets me use cheats and tricks and stuff on video games....I'm gonna test it out on this! [takes a game out of the bag]
FRINK: [reading the label] ...."Final Fantasy VII"? That doesn't make sense! If it's the final fantasy, how can it be the seventh installment?
BALPHAZAR: I....I don't know. I don't know! [angry] Just let me play my game, Frink!

BALPHAZAR starts to walk towards a TV with a PlayStation console that is to the side of the room. FRINK stops him.

FRINK: Hey! You're my monkey butler, you're supposed to work before you play! Put that silly thing down, and fetch me my tea. Then you can play with it. *ha-hem*

Grumbling, BALPHAZAR sets down his new toys on the counter next to the desk. The Frinkodyne 3000 and the Game Shark cartridge are now side by side, and it is now very noticeable that they are rather similar in appearance. He then walks out the door to fix the tea. FRINK closes his diary, stands up, and as he is walking past the counter stops and picks up the 'Final Fantasy VII' game.

FRINK: 'Final Fantasy'....what a joke! Look at the guy on the cover! That sword is as big as he is, it's physically impossible for him to be able to hold it! And the hair! *ng-hey* It's because of silly games like these that kids today are the way they are, with the laziness and the bad grades and hey-hey-look-at-me-I'm-a-superhero cockiness! I should write an angry psycho-babble letter to these people some time.

FRINK tosses the game back onto the counter and continues walking, over to a shelf full of odds and ends in the corner. He takes up a small specialized screwdriver and returns to the desk. Pushing aside the diary and some papers, he takes up some strange gadget (use your own wacky imagination) and begins working on it.

FRINK: Doo doo doo doo doo, dee dee doo doo....

BALPHAZAR returns now, bearing a tray with a teapot and a cup on a saucer. He sets the tray on the counter, fills the cup, and bears it on the saucer over to FRINK.

FRINK: Ah, Earl Grey! My favorite! Thank you Balphazar, you may play your game now.
BALPHAZAR: Thanks!

BALPHAZAR takes the tray away, then comes back into the room. He picks up the 'Final Fantasy VII' game and a cartridge without looking. FRINK continues to work, not paying attention. As BALPHAZAR is putting Disc 1 of 'FFVII' into the PS1, FRINK reaches over for the other cartridge.

FRINK: Now, to see if the Condensationator is working, I will merely test it with the data-processing mini-computer in my....[reads label]....Game Shark?

FRINK whips around, mouth dropping open as BALPHAZAR inserts the Frinkodyne 3000 into the cartridge slot in the back of the PS1. With an exaggerated, slow-motion, nasal "NOOOOOOO!!", FRINK jumps out of his chair and races towards BALPHAZAR and the console, just as BALPHAZAR is about to turn the game on. The screen flips back and forth every few seconds between FRINK running and BALPHAZAR's finger (hey, monkeys have fingers!) descending upon the 'Play' button. FRINK leaps, but in the split second before he reaches BALPHAZAR things snap back into regular time/motion, and BALPHAZAR pushes the button. Everything on the screen freezes, FRINK midair and all. The screen swivels around a la 'The Matrix' as their TV screen lights up with a bright flash. The MIDI fantasy music has started up again while this is going on, getting louder and more fast-paced as things happen. The bright light on the TV moves quickly outward, engulfing the two and the room around them. As FRINK and BALPHAZAR scream, the now-completely white screen quickly switches to pitch black with a little blip. FRINK and BALPHAZAR are seen again now, screaming and falling in the blackness. While the screen does not change, they abruptly stop falling with loud thumps, as they have apparently finally hit the ground. They groan, and slowly start to move.

FRINK: [twitching] Ow....my back....and my head....and my arms....and my tailbone....
BALPHAZAR: [shakily standing up] Oh, stop it. You ain't dead.
FRINK: [slowly getting up] No....[annoyed] But you soon will be, after I figure out what the hell just happened. *ng-hey*
BALPHAZAR: [getting nervous] Ah-heh.....
FRINK: [looking around] Well, this is a whole lotta nothing. Literally. Oh, what I would give for one of my gadgets right now....

A low whistling noise is heard, and the Frinkodyne 3000 falls out of the "sky" and bops FRINK on the head, landing on the "ground".

FRINK: D'y'ouch! Well....[bending over to pick it up]...ask and you shall receive. Hmmm....*gasp* It's the Frinkodyne 3000 itself! Intact! What an extraordinary twist of fate, I thought it was destroyed in the blast. [checking its dials and making sure its in working order] Checks out, I suppose. *ng-hey* Now....[flapping his arms] WHERE IN THE NAME OF J.R. OPPENHEIMER ARE WE?!?!
BALPHAZAR: [shrinking back] Whoa! Settle down! Don't get all crazy and stuff, that thing of yours looked a lot like the GS cartridge!
FRINK: [lowering his arms and wilting slightly] But....but.....oh, what's the point? Screaming at you won't get us out of this place. It's like we've been put into a great big....black....dark....big....thing.
BALPHAZAR: Er....maybe we should explore a bit.
FRINK: Urgh, might as well. I'd better change into my Exploring Gear, though.

FRINK pushes the top-most button on his shirt. His entire outfit (lab coat and everything) suddenly morphs and changes colors until he is wearing hiking boots, a khaki shirt and khaki pants. He pulls what looks like a small leather coin purse out of his pocket. He tosses it up into the air, and it balloons out into a backpack full of supplies. He catches it, puts the Frinkodyne 3000 in it, and puts it on.

FRINK: Always be prepared, that's my motto. I love being a mad scientist. *glaven*

Now ready for anything, FRINK, with BALPHAZAR flapping along behind him, starts moving slowly in the black world, taking baby steps with his arms out in front of him.

FRINK: Easy....easy....come on....There's got to be something around here!

After a few more seconds of slow walking, FRINK stumbles and appears to go face-first into a wall, though nothing can be seen. He sinks to the ground, sprawling.

FRINK: Gwah....Urgh. What did I just walk into?

Rising onto his knees, FRINK carefully begins to feel the "wall". His hands move slowly, and seem to indicate that it is not a smooth surface.

FRINK: Oooh....I think I feel machinery! Like.....like....almost like a fuse box! If I open it and find the main circuits, maybe I can shed some light on the scene. Heh heh heh *hoo-hoy*, I just made a funny....

Having found the door to the "fuse box", FRINK takes out a small screwdriver and wedges it open. A creak is heard, signaling that the little door has opened. FRINK’s hands disappear into the black as he has just stuck them into the "fuse box”. FRINK starts messing around with wires and things, muttering to himself under his breath as he does so.

FRINK: Let's seeeee.....mass of thin and thick wires. Standard. A few bits of metal here and there...I think those are gears....doo doo doo doo doo...da dum....Hey, I think I found the main circuit!

FRINK gives the circuit a good yank. Bad idea. Round, glowing green balls of light of various sizes shoot out at him at a high speed, setting his hair and shirt on fire. FRINK starts running around in little frenzied circles, screaming his head off.

FRINK: Gaaaaaah! Oh, the searing pain! Gaaaaaah!

Several seconds after this occurs, the screen switches to a close-up of FRINK's head and upper body. He slows down a bit, patting himself as the odd little green flames go out. He sighs and sits down. Close-up on FRINK's face. After five seconds of looking pitiful and dejected, his expression changes to that of confusion, and he does a double-take.

FRINK: ....What the glaven?

The camera quickly zooms out on FRINK till he is seen only as a small character on the screen, revealing that the blackness has disappeared and that he is in the middle of a city. The music has started up again, this time with a slight mechanical, techno sound to it. It’s actually the ‘Simpsons’ theme song, but MIDI-ed. The city is Springfield, or what is *supposed* to be Springfield. What FRINK sees is a giant dirty slum, encased in permanent semi-darkness by large metal plates supported by gigantic columns overhead. The slum is literally packed to the rafters with shops, homes, shanties, bars and tons of junk. The ground is dirt, but pretty much everything is made out of a metal of some sort, and most of it is dirty and rusted. This city makes the one in 'Blade Runner' look like Pleasantville. There are scores of people moving around. Their clothing style is an odd juxtaposition of early-20th-century lower class workers, combat soldiers, business suits, and Sex Pistols wannabes. The camera then shifts to slightly above ground level, looking up at FRINK and rotating along with him as he stands up and turns about, taking in the new scenery with a gaping mouth. The camera then returns to its normal position as FRINK tries to get a hold of himself.

FRINK: Good God, I can't believe my four eyes! How can this be?! Granted, the Frinkodyne 3000's main ability is to slightly alter the fabric of the universe like that of a dress being taken up, but this appears to be a full-blown shredding! *ng-hey* This doesn't look the least bit like the Springfield I know!

As he is starting to panic again, a hand comes from off screen and taps him on the shoulder with a finger. FRINK whirls around, and is shocked by who he sees. It is MINDY SIMMONS (‘The Last Temptation of Homer’). She looks essentially the same, but is dressed differently. Her hair is tied in a braid with a big pink bow, and she is wearing brown boots which clash horribly with her pink dress and red jacket. She is carrying a basket of flowers.

MINDY: [innocently] Are you alright? I've never seen Fako energy blips set anybody on fire before. You shouldn't have messed with that circuitry.
FRINK: [recovering] Er....um....Yes, yes I'm fine. Thanks. I didn't mean to do that, really....Er....could you tell me where I am? I'm a bit....uh....lost.
MINDY: [slightly surprised] You don't know where you are? You're in the slums of Springar. Sector Eight.
FRINK: Spring....gar? Sector Eight? Oh no.....
MINDY: Do you need some help?
FRINK: Uh, no! No no no, it's alright. I'll be fine. [trying to remain calm] Thanks for your help, nice flower-lady-m'am, I'll just be going......over......here......oh boy.....

FRINK dashes away, panicking again, with MINDY watching him in bewildered astonishment. He turns a corner and sits down in a nearby shanty, one which was apparently made out of a giant oil drum. He sighs, and turning to his right sees a really-out-of-it guy sitting next to him, his head slowly bobbing up and down. He jumps up.

FRINK: Urk! Sorry, sir, I did not realize that this was your oil drum!
MAN: Ugh......ugh....urgh.....
FRINK: Uh....yeah. I'll....I'll be going now.....

With a nervous, drawn-out *ng-hey*, FRINK runs away again. He eventually stops, and sits down on an old box under a streetlight, breathing hard.

FRINK: Okay, gotta calm down, gotta THINK! Not Springfield, but some place called "Springar". Full of people I know but don't quite know. [putting his hands over his head] But I don't understand it!!! Why on earth did the Frinkodyne 3000 [reaching into his backpack as he says this and taking out the invention] react so differently than it did the first time? Why are things so skewed?

BALPHAZAR then sidles up to FRINK, making himself noticeable for the first time since their initial landing. He pulls on FRINK's pants leg.

BALPHAZAR: Errr, Frinky?
FRINK: [nearly dropping his invention] GAAAH! Balphazar? Balphazar! I'm glad to see you're alright, but don't ever do that to me again! What with the sneaking and the pulling and the hey-hey-hey-we're-in-a-strange-place!!
BALPHAZAR: Sorry. Errr....I know where we are.
FRINK: ....You do?
BALPHAZAR: Uh-huh. We're in Springfield....But we're also in Midgar.
FRINK: Mid....gar? What's a Midgar?
BALPHAZAR: It's a city in that 'Final Fantasy VII' game I got. It's just like this place is.
FRINK: Preposterous! This "Midgar" you speak of is in a video game, we can't poss—

FRINK stops mid-sentence. He looks at the Frinkodyne 3000, then at the city around him, then at BALPHAZAR. A light-bulb almost visibly goes off over FRINK's head as he realizes what happened.

FRINK: ....OF COURSE! [smacking his forehead] It all makes sense now! The worlds consisting of our Springfield and that game of yours have merged into each other, creating an entirely new one with aspects of both in it! When you stuck the Frinkodyne 3000 into that GameStation, er, PlaySection, er, PlayStation of yours, it read the information on the 'Final Fantasy VII' game disc and, as it short-circuited, restructured the universe using the information it gleaned from it! [pause] Which would be quite an amazing and intriguing feat of physics if it didn't have such a disastrous outcome. *ng-hey* Remind me to ground you if we ever fix the universe.
BALPHAZAR: Awww....
FRINK: But never mind that. We've got to figure out exactly how we're going to fix the universe again. This isn't just another case of tinfoil in the microwave. We're in a bigger pickle now, the biggest, saltiest, slimiest pickle you've ever seen. Like one of those pickles you find when you're cleaning out the fridge and see a little jar in the very back corner behind the mayo….G'waaah, but never mind. Come, Balphazar! [posing dramatically] It's up to us to save life, the universe and everything by making it go back to being its boring old original self again. [pointing] Forward!

With that, FRINK leaps forward, and he and BALPHAZAR race down the dark cluttered street. MIDI music has started again, this time with an upbeat and heroic sound to it. The odd pair run past several people, who look questioningly at them. The camera switches to an overhead shot, showing the two heading off into another Sector of Springar and into the thick of things.

The next day. In an abandoned but just-as-cluttered part of the slums, FRINK is sleeping soundly inside what appears to be a large hollow cartoon hamster in the middle of a crumbling playground. BALPHAZAR is curled up next to him. The camera pans to inside the fairly dark structure, and FRINK continues to snooze for about ten more seconds. Then, two VOICES are heard talking. They appear to be coming from the top of the outside of the hamster, and are unintelligible. FRINK opens one eye (yes, I know he’s wearing glasses, you can see an eyebrow move), then slowly sits up, paying attention. It sounds like a man and a woman, but still unintelligible. Then, FRINK turns abruptly to the opening of the hamster as a cart drawn by a large creature creaks along in the distance. The creature looks like an ostrich, but with the coloring and facial features of a canary. There is the outline of a woman in the back of the cart. FRINK shrinks back into the darkness of the structure as the two figures that were talking leap off and follow the cart. Their features can't be made out, but FRINK recognizes their shapes.

FRINK: Why, it was that Mindy-type-lady again! And that man that was with her....he looked like....like....no, it couldn't be....

He pops out of the hamster, and stands up. After dusting himself off he sticks his head back inside, waking up BALPHAZAR.

FRINK: Come, Balphazar! There are adventures afoot! *glaven* If I just saw what I think I saw, then we just might be able to find a solution to this mess. [becoming uncertain] But if I didn't see what I think I saw, then what I saw isn't what I thought I saw, which means that what I thought I saw........uh, let's just go over there.

FRINK and BALPHAZAR take off again, this time following the path that the cart took. Going through a large crack in one of the many crumbling walls, FRINK and BALPHAZAR stop in shock as they realize they've just walked into the middle of a busy bazaar. And what a bizarre bazaar it is. Everything is jumbled about in a haphazard manner, with large lanterns strung about the place. There are Japanese symbols on everything, and people moving to and fro quickly. No sign of the cart or of MINDY and the mysterious figures.

FRINK: [looking around] Surely they didn't just vanish....[adjusting his shirt] Well, I'll just have to do some of the asking and the snooping to find out! I'm sure it'll be easy as pi, what with my natural charms around people and all. *ng-hey*

The screen switches to black, and the phrase "MANY HOURS LATER..." appears. After five seconds, it switches to the next scene. FRINK is in the midst of a tented building that appears to be a workout center for boxers. The place is conspicuously full of nothing but men (well, there's one woman), and they all appear to be the various gay bit characters of Springfield. They are all wearing boxer's shorts and the occasional sleeveless shirt. They are standing in a semi-circle, watching the action in the middle of the building. FRINK is in the middle of a squatting contest with JOHN (‘Homer's Phobia’), who is wearing nothing but shoes and a red Speedo. JOHN is winning, and FRINK is gasping for breath and not quite completing his squats. Finally, FRINK falls flat on his chest, wheezing.

FRINK: *gasp*....*glaven*....*gasp*....*glaven*....
JOHN: Oh, you silly man. [puts hands on hips] You've never done squats before in your life!
FRINK: Okay, I *gasp* admit that....but you guys wouldn't tell me where those people went if I didn't do the contest with you!
JOHN: Alright, alright....Sorry, we just wanted a bit of fun. We like to tease the newbies that come in here. No hard feelings, kemosabe?
FRINK: Who's Kemosabe?
JOHN: ....Just say "okay".
FRINK: Okay.
JOHN: [perky] There ya go! [slaps FRINK on the back] Now, if you're looking for those friends of yours, just take the long street out front straight down until you get to Comicbookguyeo's Palace. According to your description of the cart and stuff, that's definitely where they're most likely to be.
FRINK: Thank you kindly, sir! I have to go now, but hey, don't get me wrong! Your little contest was....uh, interesting.

FRINK walks to the door, where BALPHAZAR has been waiting. The next shot is from outside the door looking in, with JOHN and all the other guys seen behind FRINK. He turns and waves.

FRINK: Bye bye, nice people!
ALL: [waving and shouting as one] Buh-byyyyyyyyeee!
JOHN: And if you're going past the tailor's, tell that old drunken coot that he still has to take up my chiffon!
FRINK: Glavahaahhhhhh.... [runs away down the street]

A little later. FRINK and BALPHAZAR have reached the Palace. It is a miniature mansion in the middle of the slum, and surrounded by guards in blue uniforms and helmets. Several of them are gathered around the main door, which is wide open as carpenters and other workers go in and out, working on something inside. FRINK then spots the house's owner, LORD COMICBOOKGUYEO. CBGEO looks exactly like the normal CBG, albeit with earrings and a big magenta & purple frock coat. He is pacing around the front of the building, muttering to himself. FRINK hesitates, eyes wide, then approaches.

FRINK: Um, excuse me....Louis? Is it you, Louis?
CBGEO: ...."rip it off", she said....Ugggh! How could....huh? Who are you?
FRINK: It's me, your frie- [remembers he's not in Kansas anymore] -Er, I'm just looking for some people that went by here. Two women and a man?
CBGEO: [knowing immediately who he's talking about] Grrrr....those people. I dropped 'em in the sewers. God knows where they are now, the punks. [suspicious] Why? Are you one of their friends?
FRINK: Er, er, no! I'm a, uh, official, looking to, ah, report them! [grins widely and fakely]
CBGEO: Hrrmph....Well, they aren't here anymore. I made sure of that. Now if you'll excuse me, my nerves are a wreck. [whistles to guards, who come running up] I am in the mood for some entertainment, gentlemen. [adjusts frock coat] To Belle's place!

The cart from before pulls up, and CBGEO climbs in with two guards. The cart takes off again, heading for the place CBGEO mentioned. FRINK stands there, not sure what to do next. Then he sighs, and motions to the bewildered BALPHAZAR.

FRINK: Let's go back....looks like we're gonna have to start from scratch again. [sadly] *glaven*....

Next scene. FRINK and BALPHAZAR are back in the Sector 8 slums, walking aimlessly through the crowd. Suddenly, a small explosion and lots of gunfire is heard OS. Everybody, including those two, stops what they're doing and heads in the direction of the sound. They come up to a large communications/radio tower, around which a crowd is gathered around three prone bodies on the ground. FRINK pushes and ducks his way to the front, and eventually squeezes (or pops) his way out from between two fat people to the scene before him. His jaw goes slack. The three injured people on the ground are LENNY, CARL and MS. HOOVER, all dressed in dirty rebel-like togs: bandanas, army boots, torn shirts, etc. FRINK looks up to the top of the tower, and sees some fierce action taking place amongst a group of people. Leaving the three for the crowd to help, FRINK races to get to the top of the tower as quickly as possible. Halfway up, a helicopter approaches and he increases his speed. MIDI music is playing again, very fast-paced and techno sounding, like battle music. With one last lunge and "ng-hey!", FRINK reaches the very top. Gasping, he looks up and does a double, nay, triple-take.

Okay, time for another big descriptive paragraph (yay!). FRINK is not believing his eyes. The helicopter is now hovering over the tower, and out of it is hanging JACQUES (‘Life in the Fast Lane’), clutching MINDY with his free arm. He climbs the rest of the way into the helicopter, and it speeds off. FRINK then slowly looks back at the remaining three people who are on the top of the building with him, and who are now staring at him. It's NED FLANDERS, HOMER SIMPSON, and MARGE SIMPSON. (gasp!) Or at least it appears to be them. All three look radically different from their normal personas, but all are recognizable. NED is extremely muscular, and very angry looking. His right forearm appears to have been replaced by a large machine gun of sorts. He is wearing large army boots and army pants, a torn army vest, and what appears to be several large straps across his lower torso. HOMER is wearing a black and purple sleeveless uniform with a patch on the chest that says “GRUNT”, and appears fitter than his normal self. His normally bulgy tummy is almost nonexistent, and he has some hair, which is defying the laws of physics by sticking out in long, odd spikes without the use of hair gel. He is also wearing black gloves and a pad over one shoulder, and is defying the laws of physics yet again by carrying a sword almost as big as he is. Then there is MARGE. Physically there is not much difference; she looks almost exactly the same as she generally does. She just has her long hair tied down into a huge ponytail, and her, uh, "assets" are twice as big as they used to be. She is wearing a sleeveless, way-too-revealing white t-shirt, a leather skirt held up with suspenders, large army boots and elbow-length leather gloves. This oddball trio stares at FRINK for a few more moments, then slowly go into attack positions.

NED: Who the !@#$! are you??

Author's Note: As there is a lot of swearing in this story that uses those "words you can't say on regular TV", any word that isn't normally heard on the show will be bleeped out with a "!@#$!". Now, back to the dialogue.

FRINK: Er, my name is Professor Jonathan Tiberius Frink.
MARGE: Doesn't ring a bell.
NED: .."Professor"? There aren't any Professors in the slums. Hey, that means you probably work for BurnsRa!
HOMER: Let's kill him!
MARGE: Die!
FRINK: AUGH!!!

FRINK falls over and curls into a tight little ball, something like a frightened armadillo. The trio stop preparing to dismember him and look down blankly.

HOMER: Why'd he fall over? [looking at the other two] Did one of you cast a spell on him?
NED: Nope.
MARGE: Not me.
FRINK: [chancing a peek] Urm....why aren't you attacking me?
NED: Because you just fell over into a little ball! You're supposed to attack us, or at least go into a fighting stance before we kill you!
FRINK: But I don't WANNA be killed! I didn't do anything!!
MARGE: Hrrrrmmmm....that's strange, I've never encountered anyone who's done that before. You mustn't be a bad guy, then.
HOMER: Who are you? You look a bit like one of Old Man BurnsRa's standard mad scientists.
FRINK: [standing up] I'm nothing of the sort, *glaven*! Well, uh, technically I am....[quickly] But I don't work for BurnsRa!!
NED: Then who are you? [glaring] We want the truth!
FRINK: Me? You want the truth? The truth? You can't handle the tru—
BALPHAZAR: [whispering] Frinky, this isn't the first time that joke's been done.
FRINK: It isn't? Awww....Uh, never mind then. I'll tell you.
MARGE: Thanks.

FRINK begins talking, the other three facing him. As he talks, the camera slowly pans around him, ending up behind and slightly above HOMER, MARGE and NED and focused on him as he practically shouts the end of the last sentence.

FRINK: As I said earlier, my name is Professor Jonathan Frink. I am a scientist, that much is true. But what I am about to say may very well shock and alarm you. Or, considering the size of your weapons and, um, "assets", maybe it won't. *glaven* I am a native of this town you call Springar, but I have always called it Springfield. Why, you may ask? Because I come from an alternate dimension! I know all three of you, and many other people in this city, yet they are all strange to me! If I don't fix this little doohickey I'm holding here and return the world back to the sanity from whence it came, it could very well mean the END OF US ALL!!

Screen switches to the side and slightly behind FRINK as he breathes hard after finishing. There is a pause as the other three just stand there, staring at him with the ‘Simpson’s’ trademark Wall-Eyed Expressionless Stare.

HOMER: My hair is pointy.
NED: !@#$%!

FRINK slaps his forehead, and begins pacing back and forth. HOMER and NED look at each other, and HOMER shrugs. BALPHAZAR is still there to the side, but just watching. MARGE isn't sure what to do for a moment, thinks, then moves several paces forward.

MARGE: Um, Professor Frink?
FRINK: [stops pacing, looks at her] ...Yes?
MARGE: If what you say is true, then that means that me and Homer and Ned and that Mindy woman and all the other people in the world are also living somewhere else, and are living different lives from us?
FRINK: To put it bluntly, yes. Better ones, too, I might add. *ng-hey*
MARGE: [excited] Really? You mean it?
FRINK: Well, I mean as much as I know. I'm not sure if this is an alternate dimension, or the same place just really really really screwed up.
MARGE: [pause] ...But...is there a chance that it is this world, and that we could do something to make it go back to the way it was? To the better place?
FRINK: Seeing as how this isn't the first time I've, um, done some messing with the things, yes it is. I'm just not exactly sure how to fix it this time around.
NED: [venturing into the conversation] But if it's possible, then that means there's a chance I won't have to have this stupid gun-arm anymore. And I could properly raise Toddene and Rodene!
HOMER: And I could stop carrying this big hunk-of-junk sword around! Woohoo!
MARGE: So what're you thinking, Frink? Any ideas yet?
FRINK: Well, I have one. But it involves a nuclear reactor and a whole lotta tinfoil....
BALPHAZAR: Ahem.

They all turn to look at BALPHAZAR, seemingly noticing him for the first time. He steps forward.

BALPHAZAR: Y'know....since this place is Springfield crossed with a video game....d'you think we should win it, first?
HOMER: Win....it...?
FRINK: Go on.
BALPHAZAR: Well....you can't just resolve something before it’s over, y'know what I'm saying? I think we have to go along with what's happening until we come to the big, climactic end, and that's where we'll get our answer. Not before.
MARGE: I agree with the talking winged monkey. We do what we were doing before, we just take Frink and him along for the ride!
NED: Wait a second! Pretty good plan and all, but how do we know Frink won't get in the way? [turning to FRINK] Well? What can you do?
FRINK: [faltering] Uh....um....Well, uh, let's see....I know kung fu!

FRINK goes into a mock kung fu fighting (cue flute) pose, trying to show off his moves to the others and failing miserably. He stops, stands like normal, and just looks at them.

FRINK: I can blow stuff up good.
HOMER / MARGE / NED: YAY!

Some time later again. The setting: a dark, gigantic, towering office building something akin to what Bill Gates works in, though not as scary. Security guards dressed in the same blue uniforms as the ones from earlier pace about, guarding it and stuff. Screen switches to the inside of the office building, which is sinfully luxurious. Behind a large semi-wall-thingy-with-a-plant-in-it, our heroes are crouched. FRINK is draped over one of NED's shoulders, gasping for breath. NED talks to him.

NED: Y'know, you're ridiculously out of shape. Heck, that was only sixty or so floors of stairs. Nothing special, ya wimp.
FRINK: Lungs....collapsing....flesh....weak....
MARGE: Shhhh! We have to make our move soon, don't get the guards' attention!!

As the guards start pacing in the opposite direction, the small group of rebels crosses from their hiding area over to the other side of the room near a stairwell. They do so very slowly and with exaggerated sneaking footsteps. Upon succeeding they race up the stairs and prepare to go up into the restricted area of the building. NED puts down FRINK, who is feeling like his old self again.

MARGE: Right....this is it, guys. Somewhere up in the next few floors is Mindy. We might even run into Jacques-o and McRude. Who knows what else.
HOMER: [motioning with sword] Let's go!

They burst through the door, FRINK unarmed and looking rather nervous. They screech to a halt, and stare at the room around them in wonder. It is a futuristic laboratory, full of wall-to-wall panels and gadgets. There are strange-looking cages throughout, not to mention cluttered pieces of equipment here and there. FRINK is now looking extremely jealous. They all walk slowly throughout the lab, cautiously looking this way and that for signs of other people about. MARGE walks up to one of the cages, and looks at the animal within. It is a large, cinnamon-brown color, and looks like a cross between a cougar and a wolf. It has tattoos and scars all over, and is wearing bits of Indian (Native-American) jewelry, not to mention two feathers stuck in its head hair. The tip of its tail is glowing and seems to be on fire. It is curled up and sleeping. MARGE watches it for a few moments, then turns to the others.

MARGE: ....What is this place....?
NED: This must be Dr. Nickjo's lab. Mindy should be around here somewhere, then! He's really into strange things like her.
FRINK: Hmmmph. Lucky stiff, I wish I had a nuclear calibrator in my office. *ng-hey*
NED: Shaddap, Frink. We have to get moving before anything happens to that girl!
FRINK: Why? What is it about this world's Mindy that has so many people after her?
MARGE: According to her step-mom, she's a Really Old Person, a member of a race of magical beings that were around before normal humans. She's the last of her kind, and that's why BurnsRa wanted to get his skeletal mitts on her. To use her power to do even more damage to our planet!
NED: Which is why we're fighting BurnsRa and his cronies in the first place! Because they're sucking the energy out of the planet for their own greedy purposes, dammit!
FRINK: Oh. Okay. I thought it was just because he wanted a date. Burns always was one for the much-younger ladies....
MARGE: Urgh....
NED: Dear God, no. Thanks for putting that image in my head, Frink! C'mon, let's keep moving. Homer? Homer! Homer Strife! I'm talking to you!

They all turn towards HOMER, who doesn't seem to hear NED. He is looking into a metal-walled cage with just one small porthole, and seems to be entranced by whatever is in there. There is a faint glow of white light coming from inside, then it vanishes again. HOMER comes to, shaking his head.

HOMER: Ow, my brain....
MARGE: Homer, are you alright?
HOMER: I'm fine, its just that....uh, never mind. Let's find Mindy!
OS VOICE: Too late.

The group whips around, looking for the origin of the voice. It is DR. NICKJO. He looks exactly like the regular DR. NICK, only he has large round wire-rim glasses, a ponytail, and an evil expression on his face. He is lurking in the back of the lab, with two guards by his side.

DR. NICKJO: Welcome to my lab. I suppose you are looking for the Really Old Person known as Mindy. Well, I am afraid you are too late. As of this moment, I am going to combine her genes with that of another endangered species, saving both and creating a whole new creature. Patent-pending for the BurnsRa Corporation, of course.

He whips out a small remote control and presses a button on it. The group just then notices a glass enclosure next to DR. NICKJO, and that it has a very frightened MINDY in it. Suddenly, a door in one side of it opens, and the strange animal that MARGE had seen earlier stalks in. It circles the enclosure a few times, and closes in on MINDY menacingly. She screams.

HOMER: Mindy!!

HOMER, MARGE and NED charge forward. DR. NICKJO shrinks back as the two guards with him quickly move in front, preparing to do battle. They clash. FRINK stands stock still for several moments, undecided. He then grows determined and, picking up a metal rod from a nearby heap, jumps heroically into battle with a loud yell. He is immediately flung across the room by one of the two guards. His flight is checked by the glass enclosure, against which he is flattened and spread-eagled in a slightly cartoonish manner. He slides to the floor, and it can be seen that the glass is cracked. He lies there for a moment, then stirs and (you can tell by his body language) goes all wide-eyed, remaining stock still. Why? The cracks in the glass enclosure are widening (in the shape of FRINK's body's impact) with ominous sounds. The glass finally breaks, and FRINK covers his head with his arms as the shards fall about him. There is now a large hole in the enclosure. The strange animal within turns away from MINDY, and dives out the hole over a stunned FRINK. The battle is brought to an abrupt halt as the creature tackles DR. NICKJO, distracting the guards long enough for the other three to finish dispatching them. NED uses his gun-arm to shoot away the rest of the glass, freeing MINDY. She dashes out, hugging HOMER (much to MARGE's chagrin). NED helps FRINK up, and the group immediately dashes out of the lab to the elevator, leaving DR. NICKJO to grapple with the animal. They ride up the final floor.

HOMER: Mindy....are you alright?!
MINDY: Yes....I'm alright, Homer thank you. Thank you so much for saving me, all of you! [spotting FRINK] Oh! It’s you again! Did you come along to help?
FRINK: Uh....it’s a bit of a long story, but yeah. I've kinda come along to help.
MINDY: Thank you! [pecks him on the cheek]
FRINK: [blushing furiously] Oh, glaven!

The elevator stops with a ding.

NED: Alright, people. This is it. Through these very doors lies our destiny! We'll come face to face with Mr. BurnsRa, and we'll be able to save the world, and Frink'll be able to set things right again! Let's move!

They charge through the door, yelling excitedly. They screech to a halt yet again, staring dumbly at the scene before them. At the far end of the spacious office, in front of the ceiling-to-floor window, is MR. BURNSRA at his desk. He looks exactly like the normal MR. BURNS (some things never change). However, this one happens to be dead. He is slumped over on his desk, wide-eyed, looking very much so like the dead Burns-puppet in 'Weekend at Burnsie's'. The reason behind his death is quite apparent, as there is a phenomenally large sword, very thin and very long, sticking out of his back. Something like a butterfly pinned to a piece of cardboard in someone's collection.

NED: Ah, nuts.
MARGE: Uh, looks like somebody beat us to it.
FRINK: That's good that he's dead, right?
MARGE: Well, yeah. But we were looking forward to a good blooding! Not only that, but Larry BurnsRa is nowhere in sight, which means that this place still has a leader.
NED: Where the hell is Larry, anyhow?

Cut to a rather gaudy looking building surrounded by bee-woman balloons down in the slums. There is a sign over the door that says 'BELLE'S HONEYBEE INN'. It is the Springfield burlesque house, albeit with a twist. Cut to the inside, where LARRY BURNSRA in a light gray suit is seen "dancing" with several of the house ladies while a strange MIDI song plays at a jukebox.

LARRY: C'mon girls! Put a little effort into it! Yo, Belle! The Waltz de Chocobo ain't much without a little alcohol to juice things up; send over some drinks, with a few Geyhsal Greens thrown in for flavor! [continues to dance]

Cut back to the present scene. HOMER is staring very hard at BURNSRA's body and the sword poking out of it.

HOMER: There's something very familiar about that sword....It has a mias-ah-muh-a of evil about it!
MARGE: You're just jealous because it's bigger than yours.
HOMER: [pouting] I am not....
FRINK: Hey, is that a note there?

FRINK walks over to the desk, eyeing a small note that was stuck onto BURNSRA by the sword. He gingerly tears it off, and begins reading aloud.

FRINK: "You always hurt the one you love....sincerely.....Smitheroth"?
HOMER/MARGE/NED: [gasping] SMITHEROTH?!
FRINK: Uh, that's what the note said.
HOMER: Aw, man! Now I recognize that sword! It's the Mammamia, the famous sword of Smitheroth! I can't believe he's actually still alive!
MARGE: Me neither. This means major trouble!
FRINK: Uh....who is this guy? I recognize part of the name, but….who is he here?
HOMER: Smitheroth used to be the main soldier for BurnsRa's GRUNT program. Mr. BurnsRa's own little private army, with the fierce Smitheroth at the forefront. A soldier so loyal, skilled and fearsome, that nobody could or would stand in his way! Or somethin'.
FRINK: That can't be good. *ng-hey*
NED: No, it ain't. We thought he died years ago! But if he's back like this, then that means that we're in deep doo-doo!.
FRINK: How so? What could he do to this planet that's worse than what BurnsRa's corporation was doing?
MARGE: [glancing behind her] Uh....I think we better continue this conversation some other time.
HOMER: Why?

MARGE points, and the others turn to look. The strange creature from the lab is sitting on its haunches near the door, watching them silently.

FRINK: [gulping] Uh...nice kitty....dog....thing....*glaven*
NED: [cocks gun-arm] Can I shoot it? Please? Pretty please?
MINDY: Let's not be too hasty....it's not attacking us, is it?
MARGE: [looking at her, annoyed] Are you nuts? What do you call what it was doing to you earlier?

Looking at MARGE very closely, the animal opens its mouth and starts talking.

ANIMAL: I do apologize for that very much, but I had no other option at the time.

Everybody just gapes at the animal. FRINK is especially shocked, as the accent and timber of the animal's voice was exactly like that of APU.

FRINK: Apu?! Is that you?!
APUXIII: [eyeing him] That is indeed my name. Apu Nahasanaki is my full name, as a matter of fact. How sir do you know such things?
FRINK: Call it a hunch....
HOMER: The....catdog....is....talking....
MINDY: But I don't get it. Why did you attack me?
APUXIII: Dr. Nickjo was expecting something to happen, so I pretended to act quite fierce towards my supposed victim. Taking one look at your friends there, I had assumed that something quite violent was about to happen and I would have a chance to make my bid for sweet, sweet freedom.
MARGE: Well, it worked. Thanks for mauling Dr. Nickjo for us.
APUXIII: It was no problem at all. I quite enjoyed it.
FRINK: Uh, that's all very well and good, but could we get going? I think I hear a swarm of guards thirsting for battle coming this way.
GUARDS (OS): [jubilant] Yay, now is fighty time, fighty time, blood blood blood!
FRINK: N'gah!
MARGE: Quick, the elevator! If we make it there before the guards, we can hightail it down to the mall level of the building and figure out what to do next!
APUXIII: May I come along? Safety in numbers, and I would like to repay you for helping free me.
HOMER: Sure, whatever.

The slightly larger group now rushes back to the elevator, and reaches it just as the guards burst through a special side door next to the desk. They raise their guns and fire as MINDY mashes the 'down' button. NED shoots back a bit before the doors close.

The scene then cuts to the mall portion of the building, where various stores of all sorts line the halls. The floor is slightly darkened, for the place is closed. At the far end the elevator light dings, the doors open, and the group steps out. They look around, trying to think of what to do next.

HOMER: [looking to the side] Oooh, shiny. [turning back] You guys go ahead! There's something I gotta do here!
MINDY: But, Homer....
HOMER: Nuh-ah-ah! I'll be fine, I'll be right with you! C'mon, get going!

The others look at each other and shrug. HOMER runs off in the direction he had been looking and a sound like breaking glass is heard. The others run off towards the end of the floor, where there is an escalator (turned off, of course). They run down it, and look around at the shops on the lower level. MARGE looks carefully about, and sees the exit.

MARGE: Everybody, look! [points] There's the exit, c'mon!

They run. They reach the exit. They go out the doors, and stand in front, looking around at the dirty goodness of the slums of Springar.

FRINK: Ahhhh....finally, we're out! Out into the fresh air....[takes a deep breath, gags] *hack* Good Lord, what's that stench?!?!
APU: I do believe it is the musky odor of the nasty-looking creatures standing to the right of us with some rather annoyed-looking guards.

They look to their right, and see two guards with mutated-looking dogs on leashes.

ALL: Aaaaaaaa!!
FRINK: Ruuun!!!

And they do. Yet again. MARGE skids to a halt in front of a run-down looking car dealership.
MARGE: Ned!!! Come over here, blast the door open!
NED: [coming back] Why?
MARGE: There's no time, just do it!!

NED cocks his gun-arm and blasts the dealership's door to smithereens. MARGE beckons for everybody to follow her inside the building, and they do. The guards and their mutant-dogs come into view and halt, looking around.

GUARD #1: Where the hell did they go?
GUARD #2: I dunno. Dammit, we're gonna catch hell for this....

As they are talking, a strange, three-wheeled pick-up truck is seen driving through the dealership. As it quickly approaches the glass window, GUARD #1 looks behind him, does a double-take, and taps his companion on the shoulder. GUARD #2 turns around just in time to see the pick-up smash through the glass. They dive out of the way as it careens past them, NED and APU in the truck-bed with FRINK sandwiched between MARGE and MINDY in the front, looking both scared and happy at the same time. BALPHAZAR is still around, flapping his wings in the air over them and grasping wildly at the antennae to try and hang on.

MINDY: [appalled] You almost ran over those men!
MARGE: Yes. Yes I did. Now hang on.

MARGE hits the gas, and with a loud "Oh, glaven!!" heard coming from inside the truck, it zooms down the narrow dirty streets of Springar. A fast-paced MIDI music has started up, perfectly suited for a chase-sequence. The guards have recovered by now, and along with several others have hopped on motorcycles in order to give chase.

APUXIII: Motorcycles. They do not give up very easily, do they?
NED: Nope. Looks like I'll be able to have some target practice....
BALPHAZAR: [clutching the antennae with one hand and pointing with the other] LOOK!! Up there!!!

Everybody looks where BALPHAZAR pointed, MARGE looking in the rearview mirror. HOMER has made his reappearance. He has stolen a gigantic, kick-ass motorcycle, and is zooming along behind the BurnsRa guards.

Close up on HOMER. The MIDI music fades to the background, as HOMER has the tape-deck going and is singing along to the sugary pop song from 'Marge On the Lam', quite oblivious to his surroundings and the importance of the situation.

HOMER: [singing happily] Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows; everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together. Brighter than a lucky penny; when you're near the rain-clouds disappear and I feel fiiine...

The music fades as HOMER comes closer to the truck and the soldiers. He stops singing as he approaches, and grabs the giant sword that is strapped to his back. He tears it loose, and begins flailing it wildly in the direction of the enemies. He mostly misses, but a few come too close for comfort for the soldiers and one of them screams. Coming up next to the truck, HOMER stops his dangerous waving and looks inside.

HOMER: Hi, guys! I told ya I’d be okay.
MARGE: Um, it’s very nice to see you again, Homer, but those soldiers are starting to close in on us again!
HOMER: Oh, okay. Talk to you later, then!

He falls behind again, flailing once more. Once he accidentally slices a few hairs off of APU, who gives a surprised yelp.

NED: Hey! Watch where you’re swinging, Strife, you nearly cut Apu’s head off!
HOMER: Oopsie.
APU: Oh, it is quite alright sir. However, if you feel the need to do it again I will without hesitation bite you quite hard on your slightly rotund behind when we stop.
HOMER: [nervously] I’ll keep that in mind…. [returns his attention to the guards] DIE, EVILDOERS! Feel the cut of my sword! Yaa! Take that! And THAT! And…..D’oh!

HOMER shouts “D’oh!” immediately after he accidentally cleaves a large hole in the side of the truck. Everybody in the truck glares at him, and he falls back again, whistling and pretending not to notice. Cut to inside of the truck.

FRINK: Um, should we really be trusting him with such a *ng-hey* big sharp weapon of mass destruction?
MARGE: Hrrrrrmmmmmm….I know we shouldn’t, but as he’s the Knight of the group we really have no choice.
FRINK: Knight?
MINDY: Don’t ask.

Cut back to the outside of the truck, straight in front of it. The soldiers have pulled away. A large, ominous shape has begun to loom up in the background. The group doesn’t notice at first. As it comes closer, the details can be seen. It’s a big honkin’ robot on wheels. The group still doesn’t notice. Then FRINK happens to glance up in the rearview mirror. He then looks away, apparently not seeing any thing. Then he does a double-take and screams.

FRINK: WAAAAH! GIANT ROBOT!!

Cut to the side and just over the entire moving party. Startled, the group looks behind them as the dark shadow of the robot falls over them. They goggle.

APU: Ohhh, dear.
NED: STEP ON THE GAS!!!

MARGE obliges, and with a screech they zoom out of the robot’s reach. HOMER also puts the “pedal to the metal” in order to catch up with them. The robot is undaunted, and even begins to shoot small rockets and lasers at them. The truck just barely manages to dodge it all. HOMER lets out a short scream as one shot nearly hits him. He turns around and points savagely at the robot.

HOMER: You! Quit that! Don’t make me come up there….!

Inside the truck, MINDY gasps and points straight ahead of them.

MINDY: Marge! The road is running out! We’re gonna go over the edge!!

And indeed it is and they are. The unfinished end juts over the wall that surrounds Springar, and the group is quickly approaching it. A bead of sweat forms on MARGE’s forehead.

MARGE: I guess we’re just going to have to go over the edge.
FRINK: What?! Are you mad, woman?! You’ll kill us all!
MARGE: No I won’t! We’re not that far into our adventure here, there’s no possible way we can die now! Heck, we haven’t even found half our party yet!
FRINK: Point. Excuse me while I pass out now.

With a dizzy “ng-hey”, FRINK faints just as they come to the very end of the road. The Doors’ “Break On Through” suddenly starts playing as the truck, followed by HOMER on his motorcycle, careens over the edge and begins its downward descent. The robot screeches to a halt at the edge (as the music stops), then sags forward in a forlorn fashion. It then dejectedly goes into reverse and leaves.

ALL IN TRUCK: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
HOMER: WHEEEEEEE!!!

The screen blacks out. Three seconds later, it begins to fade in. The group has indeed survived the fall, and is standing/sitting on the ground near the crashed truck. FRINK is the exception, as he is still passed out. The area around them is in major contrast to the slums of Springar. There is no junk, just grassy green plains that sprawl out for miles. In the far-off distance, a small, old-fashioned village can be seen.

NED: Frink? Frink! Wake up, Frink!
MINDY: It’s no use. He’s in one deep faint.
APU: Here, let me try something.

He strides over to FRINK’s still form, and begins licking his face like a dog. FRINK is still for a few moments, then he begins to move. He starts to giggle, and makes to push APU’s face away with his hand. Then he apparently opens his eyes (not that we can tell), for he starts up with a yelp.
FRINK: Gah! [shrinking back] Oh, please don’t hurt me! Please don’t hurt me, catdogthing! That’s a nice boy, nice catdogthing….
APU: [annoyed] I am not a “catdogthing”, sir! Please apologize.
FRINK: [pauses, slaps his forehead] Oh! That’s right! I’d forgotten that I was still in Crazy Game Land. *glaven* Sorry, Apu.
APU: Apology accepted.
FRINK: Soo….um….I see we survived that suicidal swan-dive. Great. Fantastic. What now? What do we do?
HOMER: Well, I was thinking….

Everyone stares at him in amazement.

HOMER: [annoyed] Hey, I do do it sometimes!
MARGE: Sorry, Homer, wasn’t sure how to react. Go ahead.
HOMER: Thank you. [motions towards the village in the distance] Why don’t we go there for a little while? Y’know, just to collect our thoughts and stuff. It’ll be awhile before the BurnsRa goons realize we’re not in Springar anymore.
MINDY: Hey, that’s a great idea! Let’s do that!
MARGE: [eyeing her] Yes, let’s. We don’t really have any other plans at the moment.
NED: Sounds good to me.
APU: And I.
FRINK: Well, I was going to suggest using the spare parts from the truck and the motorcycle to build a weapon-packed rocket-cycle to smite our enemies with, but that’s good too. And safer. Lead on, mister leader-pointy-hair-type-Homer! *ng-hey*!

A little while later. The group has reached the village, and all are relaxing inside a large bedroom of the local Inn. Everything is bright, warm and cozy looking, if a bit rustic. FRINK is at the window, peering out.

FRINK: What a quaint little place this is. So very different from Springar…
NED: The complete opposite of Springar, isn’t it? That’s because the long, bony evil hand of BurnsRa hadn’t reached it yet! This is why we’re fighting, to keep the rest of the planet from becoming spoiled! To keep BurnsRa from sucking it dry!
FRINK: Well, judging by the very, uh, large weapon lodged in BurnsRa’s chest, I don’t think he’ll be doing any more evil.
MARGE: Yes, but his son Larry is still alive. With the manipulation of Quimdigger, Wigger and Scarletania, his father’s assistants, the BurnsRa corporation can still do great damage! Then there’s the apparent return of Smitheroth to consider.
HOMER: Smitheroth….I still can’t believe he’s back!
FRINK: Smitheroth, Smitheroth….Could you tell me just who he is? What he’s done to make him so infamous? What’s he like?
HOMER: Oh, a splendid chap. Best swordsman in the world, fond of revealing clothing and operas, a nice guy. Well, he was until he went nuts and toasted an entire town…
FRINK: ….Oh. Okay. Just askin’….
MARGE: Hrrrrrmmmmmm….Homer, I think you should tell him the whole story. About what happened that summer in Capitolheim.
HOMER: Oh. Alright then. Once upon a time, when I was but a young lad…
NED: Get on with it!
HOMER: Okay, okay. Yeesh. Just trying to make it more interesting.
APU: Please continue.
HOMER: Right. Now, Marge here is from a small mountain village called Capitolheim. So am I. I left there a long time ago to make a name for myself at BurnsRa. Y’know, to become famous and stuff. Like Smitheroth. Several years ago, I came back with Smitheroth and several other BurnsRa employees to check out something.

As HOMER talks, the screen goes all wavy and fades out in the standard flashback way. You can almost hear Wayne and Garth going “Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo!”. It re-fades in on a small truck driving along a bumpy dirt road through a large field, moving in the direction of a mountain range. It then switches to inside the truck, where we see a teenage HOMER standing and looking around excitedly. There are several BurnsRa guards/soldiers in there with him, and the great SMITHEROTH is sitting down on a seat in one corner.

As you have probably guessed by now, SMITHEROTH is just a fancied-up SMITHERS. You can tell it’s him by the face and glasses. However, his gray hair has a whitish-silver tint to it, and is very long, down to his waist. He also has two huge bangs that fall over his face, kinda like flopped over rabbit ears. His pants and boots are made out of thick black leather. He is not wearing a shirt; instead, he has several straps across his chest and is wearing a long, black leather cloak with sleeves. He is also wearing black leather gloves and has large, white metal shoulder-pads on top of it all. Quite stylish.

SMITHEROTH is looking at nothing in particular at the moment. He seems to be pretty bored. Teenage HOMER walks over to him.

HOMER: Are we nearly there?
SMITHEROTH: Nearly. Just relax and hold tight, kid.
HOMER: Oh boy oh boy oh boy….I just can’t wait! My first mission as a GRUNT, and it’s in my very own hometown of Capitolheim!
SMITHEROTH: Sit down and be quiet, will you? You’re cramping my style!
HOMER: Sorry. [sits down in the middle of the truck’s floor for a few seconds, then stands up again] Arewethereyet?
SMITHEROTH: No.
HOMER: Arewethereyet?
SMITHEROTH: No.
HOMER: Arewethereyet?
SMITHEROTH: No.
HOMER: Arewethereyet?
SMITHEROTH: NO!!!
HOMER: I’ll be good….

HOMER sits down again, and this time stays put. Cut back to outside of the truck, still driving. After a few seconds the scene changes to the village of Capitolheim. It is a smallish village, fairly rustic. It is pretty and well-kept, though, and a little ways in the BurnsRa Mansion can be seen. It has a large sign that says “BurnsRa Mansion” hanging over the gate. At the very back of the town can be seen a large, twisting path that leads up to the Fako Reactor that is near the top of the nearest mountain. The truck pulls up to the front portion of the town, and everybody inside disembarks.

HOMER: Wee, we’re here!
SMITHEROTH: Finally…After being stuck in that truck with you for five hours, I’m in desperate need of a Potion.
HOMER: [rummages through his pocket, pulls out something nasty looking] I’ve got some leftover Dried Meat. [takes a bite] Wan’ssum?
SMITHEROTH: [raises hand] Urgh, no thanks…Wait, here comes one of the village councilmen.

It’s MR. LOCKHEART (Mr. BOUVIER), followed closely by his daughter, MARGE. She looks the same, only younger and wearing a cowboy hat with a chinstrap. She rushes up to HOMER, who is still eating.

MARGE: Homer! After all these years, it’s so nice to see you!
HOMER: [chewing] I’s nahce to see yutoo. Wan’ssum Drad Mayt?
MARGE: Er, no thanks. You enjoy it.
HOMER: Uhkay. [swallows] Mmmmm….chewy. So, how are things, Marge? Whatcha doin’?
MARGE: Oh, things are pretty good. I’m going to be your tour guide up the mountain on your investigation!
HOMER: Really? Ooooh!
SMITHEROTH: [walking up after talking to the older man] Strife! Who is this young woman?
MARGE: I’m Marge Lockheart, sir. I’m going to be your tour guide up the mountain.
SMITHEROTH: Ah, very well then.
MARGE: Wait a second! Are you Smitheroth? The Smitheroth?
SMITHEROTH: Yes, I am.
MARGE: [giddy] Omigawd! Omigawd! It is you!! Will you please take a picture with me and Homer? Please? Pretty please?
SMITHEROTH: Very well….

She runs into a nearby house, then comes back with a camera. Her father shoots the picture. The screen then cuts to the actual photo itself. In it are HOMER, MARGE, SMITHEROTH and two of the soldiers. HOMER is giving SMITHEROTH and one of the soldiers bunny ears.

The scene then cuts to inside the town’s Inn. It is the next morning, and HOMER is anxiously pacing the hallway, waiting for the fun to begin. Unable to take it anymore, he walks over to one of the doors and knocks.

HOMER: Mr. Smitheroth, sir? [opening it] It’s about time to go….AUGH!

HOMER stares in horror at what’s before him in the room. SMITHEROTH is wearing a shiny pink silk robe, his hair tied back in a ponytail. He is ironing his underwear and singing to himself, oblivious to everything.

SMITHEROTH: Oh my herooo….[sotto]…Mr. BurnsRa…[back to normal]…So far away from hereeee…..

HOMER shuts the door behind him and leans on it, hyperventilating. MARGE then comes up the stairs into the hallway.

HOMER: Oh, Marge, thank goodness it’s you! I just saw the most horrible sight…
MARGE: Take it easy, take it easy. Are you and Mr. Smitheroth ready to go?
HOMER: I’m ready, all right. But he ain’t. [shudders]
MARGE: [knocks on door] Mr. Smitheroth, sir? We’re all ready to go, how about you?
SMITHEROTH (OS): Be there in a miiiiiinuuuuuute!

He comes out, dressed in his black leather outfit and holding a very large, very slim sword (y’know, like the one in MR. BURNSRA). He looks quite cheerful compared to the day before, and actually smiles pleasantly at the two teenagers.

HOMER: Can we go now?
SMITHEROTH: Yes. Lead on, girl.
MARGE: Let’s go!

Sometime later. They (and a guard) have made it up the mountain a significant amount, and SMITHEROTH, the guard and MARGE are now resting on some rocks in a tiny flat area. Suddenly HOMER’s screams can be heard coming from the distance, and they whirl around. HOMER comes rushing up the path, still screaming, followed by a large angry dragon. SMITHEROTH sighs, rolls his eyes, and holds up a small chunk of translucent yellow rock. Streaks of lightning shoot out of it, hitting the dragon and practically disintegrating it. HOMER screeches to a halt and goes back to it.

HOMER: [disappointed] Ohhh! That thing stole my Dried Meat! I wanted it back…
SMITHEROTH: *sigh* Strife, there will be plenty of Dried Meat back at Capitolheim when we’re done. Now behave yourself.
HOMER: Okay….
MARGE: C’mon guys. The reactor isn’t too far from here.

They finish the trek, and stand looking up at the Capitolheim Fako Reactor. It looks sort of like Mr. Burn’s (the regular one’s) power plant, but with one cooling tower and just one large building attached to it.

MARGE: Kind of creepy, isn’t it? Why are you two here to investigate it? [quickly] The village isn’t in danger of being caught in an explosion, is it?
SMITHEROTH: No, no, nothing like that. We’re just here to check out some of the monster activity that’s risen in the area. To make sure that the plant hasn’t been damaged.
HOMER: Yeah, we get to kill stuff! [brandishes sword]
SMITHEROTH: Put that away before you put somebody’s eye out!
HOMER: Awww…. [puts it away]
SMITHEROTH: [turning to the guard] Stay out here with the girl. We’re going inside.

The guard salutes, and stands next to the curious/uneasy MARGE. SMITHEROTH motions to HOMER, and the two walk up the steps to the door of the building. SMITHEROTH pushes some buttons next to the door, unlocking it. They go inside.

The lights are on inside, but the building still has a dark, creepy edge to it. Everything is silent and empty. The pair move cautiously inside the building, looking around at the place.

HOMER: Looks like nobody’s home.
SMITHEROTH: Yes, that’s what it looks like. We have to dig deeper to make sure. Stay behind me, and for God’s sake don’t trip and fall on your sword. Got it?
HOMER: Got it. [exaggerated salute]
SMITHEROTH: [leading the way, grumbling under his breath] Why me? I’m the best soldier in Mr. BurnsRa’s entire army, and they stick me with a still-green GRUNTling that doesn’t know the point of his sword from the points of his hair. If Mr. BurnsRa wasn’t such a wonderful guy, I’d write him a nasty letter about this….

SMITHEROTH fumes like that for another minute, then glances into a room on the side. He comes to a sudden and complete stop, and HOMER walks into him.

HOMER: Bum, bum bum ba bum….hey! Why’d you stop like that?
SMITHEROTH: Strife….be quiet. Follow me….
HOMER: You’re the boss, boss!
SMITHEROTH: Just shut up and draw your sword.

HOMER clams up, and the two draw their swords. They walk slowly into the room. It is a strange room, with a set of stairs at the back leading up to another room. On either side are countless oval chambers with a door and single window on the front, set up in rows and sloping, like a terra-formed hillside. SMITHEROTH walks up to one, and peers inside. His eyes widen and his mouth hangs open. He motions to HOMER.

SMITHEROTH: Strife….take a look at this….

HOMER walks up to the chamber SMITHEROTH is looking into, and peers in. Inside is a humanoid creature with blue and purplish flesh and a spike/horn-covered head. It is floating inside some sort of liquid, and has several wires attached to it.

HOMER: Wow! Freaky, man!
SMITHEROTH: Mr. BurnsRa’s scientists….is this what they’ve been up to? Using Fako energy to make monsters out of men? I think I better bring this up at the next board meeting.
HOMER: I….whoops!

HOMER accidentally bumps the chamber and it falls over, spilling its contents. The monster-man lets out a hoarse moan, and curls up into a fetal-position as it falls back into unconsciousness. HOMER starts doing a panicky little dance and freaks.

HOMER: Omigawd, Omigawd….I broke one of their experiments, they’re gonna fire me for this! No, worse, they’re gonna kill me for this!! I must run like the wind….
SMITHEROTH: Strife! Settle down, you won’t get fired or killed. I want to find out more….stay here. I’m going up into that room.

HOMER looks uncertainly at the purple form lying on the ground, then up at SMITHEROTH as he makes his way up the stairs. SMITHEROTH pauses at the top, then slowly opens the door and goes in. The camera switches to directly in front of him, facing him as he’s framed in the doorway. His expression changes to that of surprise, wonder and fascination. A slow, slightly haunting MIDI song starts up as the camera pans slowly around to what he is looking at.

At the far wall of the small room is a tube and piece of strange, armor-like equipment that is holding something even stranger inside of it. It looks sort of like a hairless, dead woman, albeit larger than a man and covered in all sorts of pastel-colored markings. It is full of wires and is spread-eagled across the wall. Written along the bottom of the device is the word “GENEOVEN”. The MIDI music becomes louder, and the camera flips back and forth from a side-view of SMITHEROTH’s head to that of the creature, at an increasingly faster rate. The music finally comes to a loud and sudden halt as the camera goes back to a frontal full-body view of SMITHEROTH. He seems to come back to reality, and turns and goes out the door.

HOMER and the MONSTER seem to have gotten on quite well in his absence. They are sitting cross-legged on the floor, playing cards and gossiping.

HOMER: So I says to Zack, I says, “Oh, yeah? Well, a Lancer wouldn’t know a good sword if it poked ‘im in the ass! It takes a Knight to use and understand the sword properly, so don’t you go protecting those little pointy-helmeted nerds!”…
MONSTER: Too true, too true. Oh, by the way, Tripe Triad. [lays his cards on the ground]
HOMER: D’oh!
SMITHEROTH: Ahem!
HOMER: Oh, hi Mr. Smitheroth! It was getting kinda boring out here so me and Barry here thought we’d play a few games of cards.
MONSTER: [waves] Yo.
SMITHEROTH: Hello. Strife, I think we have to get back to Capitolheim. There are a few things I have to check out at Mr. BurnsRa’s company mansion.
HOMER: [standing up] Okey-dokes. Later, Barry! Keep the cards.
MONSTER: Hey, thanks. Later, man!
HOMER: [waving] Bye-bye!

He and SMITHEROTH leave the room and make their way back to the entrance. HOMER starts humming to himself happily, but SMITHEROTH looks grave and thoughtful.

SMITHEROTH: Strife….
HOMER: Yes, sir?
SMITHEROTH: I saw something strange in that room….but even stranger was the name I saw emblazoned across the bottom of the machinery it was in.
HOMER: Um……okay. What did it say?
SMITHEROTH: “Geneoven”.
HOMER: “Geneoven”? Pffft, what sort of silly name is that?
SMITHEROTH: [whirling around] That “silly name” is the name of my mother!
HOMER: Ah hah heh! Did I say silly? I meant……um……what was the name again?
SMITHEROTH: [turning back to the entrance] I just don’t understand it. Geneoven died giving birth to me. Why on earth would they use her name in a strange experiment like this? Surely I’m not that famous to start having projects named after my family members.
HOMER: Why not? People do it all the time. Like that guy….and that other guy….
SMITHEROTH: Well, whatever. Come on, let’s go back.

They exit the building. MARGE and the soldier are still out there. They come forward to the two men, and the quartet then heads back down the mountain. As they walk down, current-HOMER’s voice comes on as the narrative continues to play out.

HOMER: It was around that time that I noticed that Smitheroth was acting pretty funny. Not moogle-funny, more like bad Geyhsal Greens-funny. He started walking around the village aimlessly, and after two days he locked himself in the basement of Mr. BurnsRa’s mansion, where the old man kept his library. Smitheroth was in there for days, readin’ all that stuff. And then one day….

As HOMER is talking, SMITHEROTH is doing all the stuff he says. When he’s down in the basement, it shows him at different times in different positions, reading different books. At one point he is leaning back in an armchair, fuzzy-slippered feet propped up on a desk, wearing his pink silk robe and staring moodily down at the book in front of him. As HOMER reaches the last sentence, the scene cuts to teenage HOMER in the bar of the Inn. He is sitting at the main bar, holding a blue bottle and chomping on some Dried Meat.

HOMER: [eating the meat, in ecstasy] Ohhhhhhhh maaaaaannnnnn that’s good…..So salty, so chewy……[swallows it, takes a swig from the bottle] Ah! Hey barkeep, can I have another one of those Tonic thingies?
BARTENDER: You got any more gil?
HOMER: Ummmm…not on me, but I can get some from my boss. Be right back!

HOMER gets up, and walks out the Inn door. As he does so a man who is on fire runs past, screaming at the top of his lungs. HOMER stops and looks at him with interest, then continues walking.

HOMER: Hey, that guy’s on fire. Heh heh, probably started juggling Grenades thinkin’ they were Superballs. Stupid! Hey, why’s it so hot?

HOMER then does a double-take, realizing that the village is on fire. He runs through the streets, looking for the source of the problem. As he does so The Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House” begins playing, and when HOMER comes upon SMITHEROTH standing in the middle of a flaming street with his back to him, SMITHEROTH slowly turns around with a maniacally evil expression on his face as the lyrics “ burning down the house” are sung.

HOMER: Mr. Smitheroth! The village is on fire! We have to find the Lockhearts and put this out!.....Mr. Smitheroth?

SMITHEROTH just continues to stare at him with the strange expression on his face. He then turns away again, sword in one hand and a red magic rock in the other. He occasionally points the rock at something that isn’t on fire, sending flames all over the place. As the force from one fireball knocks over a few trees, a small orange creature with a large yellow handlebar mustache hops out of one of the smoking stumps and stands in his path.

LORAX: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! Stop this insanity, I beg you, oh please!

SMITHEROTH just points the rock at him, reducing the creature to ashes. He steps over the smoking pile and continues down the street, in the direction of the mountain path. HOMER looks wildly about, searching. He sees that some of the villagers have started fighting the fire and are taking care of themselves. He dashes inside the Inn, comes out with his sword, then takes off up the mountain after the madman.

When he gets there, the Reactor is also smoking. He notices several figures in front of it, and stops. When his eyes adjust he realizes to his horror that MARGE is crouched over the still figure of her father, sobbing. Near them SMITHEROTH’s sword is stuck upright in the ground. MARGE stands up and looks at the sky, shaking her fist.

MARGE: Smitheroth….BurnsRa….GRUNT….I hate them all!

She spins around and yanks the sword out of the ground, then races inside the Reactor.

HOMER: Noooooo!!

He runs inside to the room with the chambers, just in time to see SMITHEROTH grab the sword away from MARGE and stab her in the side with it. Things move in slow motion as HOMER runs forward to MARGE, who falls down the steps. Things go back to normal speed as he catches her, checks to make sure she is still alive, then carefully moves her to the side. With a furious expression on his face, he races up the last set of steps to find SMITHEROTH ripping the woman creature free of her prison. Holding the head and torso in one hand and his bloody sword in the other, SMITHEROTH turns to look at HOMER.

SMITHEROTH: What are you doing here, Strife?
HOMER: I’ve come to stop you!! What the hell is wrong with you, killing all those people?! They were innocents!
SMITHEROTH: Silence! Watch how you speak to a Really Old Person.
HOMER: ……………………..Huh??
SMITHEROTH: Didn’t think it would take the first time. Let me say it again: I am a Really Old Person. I am of the race that first settled this planet, a race with powers ten times that of an ordinary human. I found it out in those experiment logs of Mr. BurnsRa’s scientists, down in the mansion’s basement. I was grown, Strife….Grown from the cells of Geneoven [holds up the woman creature] as BurnsRa’s personal great weapon. But they shall pay! Dr. Nickjo, Dr. Chast, all of humanity, for daring to control the powers of a Really Old Person! Even Mr. BurnsRa, the man I respected most. He shall pay the most of them all, for doing this to somebody who….trusted….him so much!! Now out of my way, Strife.
HOMER: NO! I won’t let you kill anybody else!
SMITHEROTH: Very well. Goodbye, Strife.

HOMER and SMITHEROTH rush each other with their swords, each intent on killing the other. SMITHEROTH succeeds, parrying HOMER’s attack and knocking him over. HOMER lays still, winded and injured, while SMITHEROTH exits into the night.

HOMER (OS): And that….is all I can remember. He sorta just disappeared after that night. But that’s why I left GRUNT.

The screen cuts back to the present, with everyone in the room watching HOMER intently.

NED: That’s….some story.
APU: Indeed. I had no idea something so terrible had taken place, though BurnsRa Corp.’s actions don’t surprise me.
FRINK: [scared] Oh, my….I had no idea things were like this either. This is going to make things hard. I can feel the icy fingers of Death slowly making their way around my neck, with the grasping and the squeezing and the OH HEY HOY I’M GONNA DIE!!!

FRINK jumps up at this last bit, because BALPHAZAR had tapped him on the shoulder. He hides under the bed as a bemused APU crouches down and looks under at him, using his fiery tail as a light.

APU: Professor Frink, what is it sir that deranges you? It was merely your talking monkey friend trying to get your attention.
FRINK: [poking his head out] Um….sorry, I tend to startle easily when agonizing death is so near at hand. *ng-hey*
BALPHAZAR: Sorry, Frinky. I just meant to try and cheer you up. This place is based around a game, remember? Well, you can’t die until at least the end, otherwise there’d be nobody to fight Smitheroth!
FRINK: [sarcastic] Thank you, Balphazar. That makes me feel a whole lot better about this situation!
NED: Well, he could be right. And if you play your cards right, you won’t die. And then you can fix everything!
FRINK: True….all right, now what? We know that while we still have the BurnsRa Corp. to worry about, we need to concentrate on Smitheroth. From your story and the way this crazy game has been going, I’ve got a hunch that he controls the outcome of this whole mess.
BALPHAZAR: Well, duh. He’s the Final Boss of the game!
FRINK: Oh. Okay. That makes sense then….since you know so much about this whole game-thing, Balphazar, what should we do? Do we try to invent a weapon of mass destruction that can kill a super-powered evil person? Do we have to complete a set of otherworldly tasks to appease the gods and win them over to our side? Do we race Chocobos until we win enough money to buyout BurnsRa?
BALPHAZAR: Um….I think this is the part of the game where we travel around the world looking for clues while gathering the rest of our party.
FRINK: [pointing to the door] To the Chocobomobile!
HOMER: [raises arms] Woohoo!

Some time later. NED and HOMER are riding on Chocobos (the canary-ostrich things), while FRINK, APU and the girls are riding in a wagon pulled by two of the creatures. They are moving along a path in a vast green valley with rolling hills and the occasional tree.

FRINK: There has got to be a better way to travel. Why couldn’t we rent a car or something?
NED: Don’t have enough money. Someone spent most of our savings on hair-care products and donuts. [eyes Homer for a good fifteen seconds]
HOMER: [nervously] Ah heh heh heh….
MARGE: Never mind that, let’s just move on. Look, we’re nearly to Green Cherry Hill.

She points ahead, and the camera switches to a shot of a gigantic hill that is beginning to rise up in the distance. It’s practically the size of a small mountain, but green and smooth like an ordinary hill, with a few trees on top. The group quickens their pace.

FRINK: Well, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just spoiled after my rocket-cycle, but this is too slow for me. I’m going to make these Biggie-Sized canaries go faster.

FRINK reaches into his backpack and pulls out what looks like a small metal wand. He pushes a small button on the handle, sending little sparks of electricity out the other end. He leans forward and prods the nearest Chocobo with it. The bird lets out a loud “WARK!!” and takes off, forcing the other bird attached to the cart to keep up with him. FRINK falls back on top of MARGE and MINDY as they hit Mach 3, and APU sticks his head out to the side with his tongue hanging out. They leave a huge trail of dust behind them as they speed towards the hill and start to go up it, leaving HOMER and NED to try to catch up. The birds run out of gas at the top of the hill and come to a stop, panting. The people in the wagon sit up and brush themselves as the other two come up the path, coughing and covered in dust.

NED: That was some stunt you pulled, Frink!
FRINK: Well, I ah, um…
MARGE: [angrily, menacingly] HRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
FRINK: [meekly] Sorry.
MARGE: Good, I’m glad we understand each other.
HOMER: [proudly] Now there’s the spunky girl I grew up with!
MINDY: Er, well, enough of that. As we’re on top of Green Cherry Hill now, we might as well get out and do what we came to do.
APU: Yes, let us do that. I need to stretch my legs, too. And I think my tail went out on the mad dash up…
NED: Okay, okay. Everybody out and off.

They all dismount, and stand together at the peak of the hill. HOMER pulls out a map and unfolds it, everybody else crowding around to look. On the map is an image of that world, with several large odd-shaped continents and a few islands. The cities are marked off with x’s. FRINK looks up from the map and walks a little part away from the others. He checks out the view from the top of the hill. Springar and the little village they stopped at can be seen far-off, as can several other villages and cities.

FRINK: How on earth are we going to be able to visit every city on this planet? It’s a big world….
MARGE: [looking up] It won’t be that hard, actually. It’s possible to cross it in a very short amount of time, if you move quickly, and most of the cities are situated in key areas that will allow us to make money and get better transport.
FRINK: Well, that’s convenient. *ng-hey*
APU: But which place shall we stop at first sirs? I was kidnapped from my home town and have no knowledge of the rest of this world.
HOMER: Hmmm…. [looks at map, then hands it to NED and looks around, then points in one direction] Let’s go to that big shiny place over there!
NED: [looks in that direction, starts] The Golden Bowl? Have you lost your mind? We have no time to stop at an amusement park!
FRINK: That thing over there is an amusement park??
MARGE: Yeah, a really big one, too. They’ve got everything there.
MINDY: Oh, can we please stop? Please? We’ve been through so much, and a break like this is just what we need!
HOMER: Yeah, what she said. And it’s not like BurnsRa’s goons are going to think to look there for us.
NED: [looking uncomfortable] Point….all right, all right. Let’s go.
HOMER/MINDY: Yay!
MARGE: Hrrrrrmmmmm….alright, everybody back in the cart then.

Everybody gets back on their ride, and they head back down the hill. Instead of following the path again, they head in the direction of a crumbling mountain-side village situated near what appears to be a large golden bowl on a tower in the middle of a desert (yeah, yeah, I know, weird juxtaposition).

Later. The group is riding in a large cable car that goes from the village, through the mountains and up to the Golden Bowl. NED is hunched over, looking down at his knees, while most of the rest of the group looks on at him.

FRINK: ….But I still don’t get it. Why do the villagers hate you?
NED: Because I caused all their problems.
MARGE: Frink, I think you should stop asking….
FRINK: Still doesn’t make sense to me. So he supported the building of a Fako plant….How was he to know things would backfire worse than a Ford?
NED: Look, I don’t want to talk about it, okay? It just brings back bad memories and bad feelings. Let’s just drop it.
MINDY: [puts her hand on his arm] It’s okay, Ned. Just remember, we don’t blame you for anything.
NED: Thanks.
HOMER: Yeah man, lighten up. I’m half your age and I bet I got lots more people hating me than you do!

APU, who has been looking out the window the entire time, lets out a short yap of excitement. The others cease their conversation and look out. They are approaching the Golden Bowl now, and everybody, even NED, looks on in wonder.

A dizzy, carnival-worthy MIDI begins playing in the background as the Golden Bowl comes into view and fireworks explode all over the place. Roller coasters and rides of all sorts can be seen poking out the top here and there, and large windows and tubes show the way to other delights. The music fades to an end as the car comes to a stop on the entrance platform, where women in black-and-pink uniforms smile vacantly at them. They disembark, moving willy-nilly with bottled-up excitement.

MARGE: Okay everybody, let’s try to stick toge--
HOMER: Look, a roller coaster! And games! And men in silly costumes! Hee hee hee! Come on everybody!!!

Everybody dashes over to random tubes and jump in, leaving MARGE behind. She sighs and jumps into one.

The next scene is a real jumble of images. HOMER prances about the game room with an over-joyed expression on his face, a la the way he did in ‘Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk’ (same music, too). Only instead of chocolate bunnies, he is prancing with small white creatures that resemble cat-koalas with batwings and bobbly-things sticking out of their heads (moogles). NED is playing at a pinball machine, while FRINK rallies for him.

NED: Tilt, damn-diddly-damn you!
FRINK: C’mon, Ned, go for the high score! [starts dancing] You’re a pinball wizard! Doo doo doo doo, sure plays a mean pinball! With the smelling and the feeling and the--
NED: WILL. YOU. PLEASE. SHUT. UP!!!
FRINK: [stops, cringes] I’ll be good….

MARGE, MINDY and APU are on the roller coaster, screaming and wide-eyed.

MINDY/MARGE: …eeeeeeeeEEEEYAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa…
APU: …y tail wENT OUT AGAAAAiiiiiiinnn…..

Much later. The group members have definitely enjoyed themselves, and are walking peaceably around the place, just looking. In the corner of one of the hubs sits something strange. It appears to be ITCHY & SCRATCHY. However, ITCHY is a giant, rotund stuffed animal with gorilla-sized arms, and SCRATCHY is about the size of an average cat. He is perched on top of ITCHY, and is wearing a paper crown and a cape. He holds up a small megaphone and talks into it, pointing at the group.

SCRATCH: Come one, come all! I am Scratch Sith, teller of fortunes! Step right up and get your fortune told!
HOMER: Ooooh, look guys! It’s one of those fortune-telling dealies! [takes out a coin and sticks it in]
SCRATCH: Ow, that’s my eye you’re putting that in!!
MINDY: It’s….alive?
FRINK: What is up with all the talking animals in this place? [Balphazar glares at him] What? You’re a mutated exception from another world. Don’t look at me like that.
SCRATCH: Of course I’m alive! Now stop trying to ram money into my orifices and let me do my thing. [closes his eyes and rocks back and forth] Hmmm….How odd. I can’t get a clear look at your future, Homer.
HOMER: Hey, how di--
MINDY: Shhh!
SCRATCH: [rocks back and forth some more] I see shadowy figures moving, fighting….flying machines….beer?....something falling out of the sky….and something about an angry drunken robot.
HOMER: Cool.
FRINK: That, um, sounds worrying.
NED: Sounds like a load o’ crock to me.
SCRATCH: This worries me too, but for a different reason. I’ve never not been able to tell a full fortune before! This might sound a bit awkward, but would you mind if I joined your guy’s party? I wanna see how this turns out.
HOMER: Eh, why not.
NED: Are you crazy? A talking cat on a stuffed animal?!
APU: [eyeing him] What is wrong with talking cats, sir?
MARGE: Look, we need all the help we can get, right? We are looking for more party members. I’m sure Mr. Sith here can do all sorts of useful things.
NED: Hey, what can you do?
SCRATCH: Um….I can throw dice!
FRINK: Well, that’s more than I can do.
MARGE: ….Dice? [gets a strange look in her eye]
HOMER: Um, I think we should talk about something else now.
MINDY: Actually, it’s kinda late. How about we just go to the Haunted Hotel and catch some shut-eye?
APU: That is a very good idea.
FRINK: Sleep? Actual sleep? Ahhhh….that would be fantastic. The last time I slept in this crazy place was on the ground under a giant plastic hamster.

The slightly larger group moves on. As they reach one of the main lobbies, they stop and stare in surprise at the bodies littering the floor. They appear to have been gunned down.

HOMER: What the?!
MINDY: What on earth happened here?
OS VOICE: Keep searching, men! We’re bound to find that man with the gun-arm soon!
NED: Wha? But I didn’t do anything!
HOMER: Whoa, talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Unleeeess… [eyes Ned]
NED: Homer, I didn’t kill these people! Ask Frink, I was with him the whole time!
FRINK: Yeah, he was. Is this gun-arm thing, uh, common?
NED: No, I thought I was the only person with one…
BALPHAZAR: Uh-oh.
MARGE: What is it?
BALPHAZAR: I smell a back-story and flashback coming on….Unless you guys want to waste time exploring Ned’s past and finding a ridiculous way to get out of some prison, I’d suggest getting the hell outta here.
NED: Hey, my past isn’t that boring!
FRINK: Balphazar is right. And those security guards sound awfully close!
SCRATCH: What do we do, then?
FRINK: Ummm….[muttering and pacing]…Think, brain, think….think, Frink, think….think, drink, link, fink….dinky dinka doo doo doo….
HOMER: [staring] What the hell is he doing?
APU: I think it is a mad scientist thing.
HOMER: Ah so…
FRINK: ….da do da dinky Frinky thinky…..[slaps knee] BY DALTON, I’VE GOT IT! To the theah-atrical stage!
ALL: Huh?!
FRINK: Just work with me, people. *glaven*

FRINK takes off in the direction of a tube labeled ‘STAGE’. The others look at each other with confused expressions, then follow.

At the theatrical stage. It is just a standard amphitheater with a large stage built into the wall of the Golden Bowl. There are a few people in the audience, waiting for a show to start. About a dozen security guards slowly make their way in, looking around for the group. They are followed by an angry KRUSTY, who is wearing nothing but a leopard-print Speedo (don’t ask). He is smoking a cigar and motioning the guards into various positions.

The musicians in the pit start warming up, cueing that the show’s about to begin. The audience quiets down and even KRUSTY watches the stage with interest. The curtains part, revealing a darkened stage with a figure standing in the middle of it. The lights come on, and the person turns out to be FRINK in a pink dress, dressed like a princess. He clasps his hands to the side of his face and begins singing.

FRINKIAN RHAPSODY
(sung and performed to the tune of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”)

FRINK: Is this the real deal? You call this fantasy? Caught in a space warp, can’t ‘scape back to reality. Open your eyes, look at the stage and meeee….

KRUSTY eyes FRINK suspiciously. Then he sings himself, to no one in particular.

KRUSTY: I’m just the owner, give me some sympathy. Because if death comes, tourists go, profit high, profit low! Any way that gun blows, it sure as hell matters to me, to me!
FRINK: Errr….Neeedddd….didn’t kill no man. Put no gun ‘gainst no head, pulled no trigger, yet they’re dead. Neeedddd….man, you’d better run, looks like the plan didn’t work after allll….[to the audience] Now this will make you cry, I won’t be back here this time tomorrow….

FRINK leans over to one side, where we see the rest of the group busily working behind the curtains. MARGE is dressing up in a suspiciously familiar costume, as the rest of the group is using various cords and ropes and things found here and there to make one really, really long rope. FRINK whispers at them.

FRINK: Er, hurry up, hurry upppp….I can’t keep up this chatter. [guards start to approach the stage] Too late! Our time is up. Hope it’s not too long a drop, can’t do this all the time. [waving at the audience] Goodbye, everybody! I’ve got to go! Gotta leave you all behind as I run awaaay…..Guys, hurry, I hope the ground is soft, I don’t want to die! Sometimes I wish I’d never invented at all….

KRUSTY and the security guards have realized that FRINK is a faker, and rush towards the stage. As they reach it the music suddenly hits a high note, and FRINK whirls around to face the back of the stage. Lights come up behind a screen at the back, revealing the silhouette of a very familiar character hanging in the air. They screech to a halt and look up in shocked wonder. FRINK continues.

FRINK: I see a certain silhouette-o of a man! Smitheroth, Smitheroth, will you please save me? Leopard prints and fighting, s’very very frightening me!
GUARDS: [scared] Krusty-io, Krusty-io, Krusty-io, Krusty-io, Krusty-io can we go? Can we go-oh-oh?
KRUSTY: But I seek vengeance, won’t anybody help me? He’s just a tranny with a scary shadow!
GUARD: Spare us the details of this technicality! Easy run, let’s go…
KRUSTY: NO YOU CANNOT GO!

KRUSTY forcefully pushes them forward, and they reluctantly make their way towards FRINK, circling him.

GUARDS: Come here, you!
FRINK: Won’t you please let me go, let me go?
GUARDS: Come here, you! We will not let you go!
FRINK: [panicking] Lemme go!
GUARDS: Come here, you! We will not let you go!
FRINK: Lemme go!!!
GUARDS: Never let you go…
FRINK: Help me here…
GUARDS: Never let you go…
FRINK: [screaming] Aaaaa! Aa, aa, aa, aa, aa, aa, aa!

Suddenly, the SMITHEROTH SILHOUETTE actually does something. It lifts up its great sword, and begins hacking at the screen, shredding it. The guards stop what they’re doing and start screaming themselves.

GUARDS: The Mammamia, Mammamia! Mammamia, C’MONLESGO!

They flee, running past a protesting KRUSTY. He glares after them, then shrugs and massages his temple.

KRUSTY: [wearily] Oyyy, Mr. Teeny has a vodka put aside for me, for me, for me…

He leaves the amphitheatre, along with several panicked audience members. FRINK heaves a sigh of relief, and the other group members come out of hiding. They tie one end of their super-rope to a pole, and toss the other end over the side of the Golden Bowl. They test it and are about to disembark when an angry MARGE reminds them that she’s still hanging in the air.

MARGE: [testily] What, you thought you could hang me and leave me to dry? You think I went to all this trouble with that stupid hair dye? Homie, can’t do this to me Homie! You better gemme down, better get me right down from here!
HOMER: [sheepishly] Ohhhhh, yeeaaaaahhhh, oh yeah…I can’t remember, you all can see, I can’t remember anything you tell me…
FRINK: I’m wearing pantyhooooose…

THE END
(Well, not really. We now go back to our regularly scheduled program.)

NED: ..Pantyhose?! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
FRINK: [peering down the side of the Golden Bowl] I needed something that rhymed with “blows”.
APU: Come again?
FRINK: Never mind. The song is over…[bursts into song again] I’m left with onllyyyyy…
ALL: Stop that!
FRINK: Okay, okay. Yeesh. I did save us though, didn’t I?
NED: Yeah, but I can’t think of a more embarrassing way to be saved. I think you just wanted an excuse to wear make-up.
FRINK: Oh, stop that. It worked, and now we’re on our way to bigger and better things. Well….different things, anyway. *ng-hey*
MARGE: I just want to know why you felt the need to put on the underwear.
FRINK: ….Gwaaaah, I hereby change the subject!! Who’s going down first?
HOMER: I’ll go first. It’s getting kinda fruity up here….
FRINK: Hey!

One by one, the group members make their way down the long rope. APU is slung over NED’s shoulder. Both are trying very hard to not look up, as FRINK is directly above them. The camera switches to a distant shot of the Golden Bowl at night, with the shapes of the group climbing down visible against the starry sky.

FRINK (OS): I fell pretty….oh so pretty….Pretty and witty and briiiight….
ALL (OS): SHUT UP!
FRINK: Sorry….

Daytime. The group has reached the edge of the desert, and all are sitting on rocks and fallen logs on the edge of a small forest handily nearby. FRINK is back in his khaki outfit. They are talking.

HOMER: Boy, what an adventure that was!
NED: Yeah, I still can’t believe we made it out of that desert alive!
MINDY: That was some quick thinking on your part, Frink.
FRINK: Ahhhh, think nothing of it. All it took was a few bits of scrap machinery, a few of Homer’s hairs and some chewing gum and hey presto! We’re out of that mess!
SCRATCH: I don’t think we’ll ever be able to pull something like that off again in a million years!
MARGE: Yeah….I was a bit worried when that sandworm swallowed me, but sometimes luck just goes your way.
SCRATCH: Speaking of luck, we have seven members in our group. Seven is a lucky number! Are you sure you guys want to look for more party members?
APU: Well, if that is the way you are looking at it Mr. Sith, keep in mind that I am might be leaving eventually so seven it will not always be. You should look for at least one more before calling it quits.
NED: Hmmm….I don’t put much stock in luck and stuff like that, but maybe we should look for at least one more member. What do you guys think?
HOMER: The more, the merrier. And the less I have to carry!
MINDY: Yeah, let’s look for one more! According to the map, we’re pretty close to Capitolheim.
MARGE: …Capitolheim? Homer’s and my hometown? Hrrrrrmmmmm….There were very few people there to begin with, and I don’t know what the place is like now. And I don’t remember anybody else there being of the right, um, “stuff”.
HOMER: Well, I wanna see the ol’ home town. Even if there’s nobody there we’ll be able to catch forty winks before movin’ on.
NED: Capitolheim it is, then.

They get up and move out. The scene then cuts to Capitolheim as the group arrives. They look about uneasily, as the village appears to be deserted. They walk down the main street, and the keening of the wind can be heard distinctly in the silence. They eventually reach the BurnsRa Mansion and pry the lock open. They carefully open the door and go inside. The mansion is dark and dusty from years of non-use.

HOMER: Man….I haven’t been in here in ages….whatta dump.
FRINK: [scared] Urge to flee….rising….
NED: Oh, don’t be such a chicken-wuss.
FRINK: …I beg your pardon?
MINDY: Hey, what’s that note over there?

MINDY points to a note pinned to a nearby piece of furniture. MARGE walks over, tears it off, and looks at it. Her expression changes to that of fear and disbelief.

APU: What is the matter?
MARGE: It’s from Smitheroth….It says, “About time you got here. You’re really far behind, you need to move a bit faster. Have a pleasant stay, and don’t wake up the guy in the basement. He gets cranky. Love, Smitheroth.”
HOMER: Well, anybody would be cranky if you woke ‘em up.
NED: This is really worrying! This means that Smitheroth is on to us….How are we going to defeat him if he’s one step ahead of us like this??
MINDY: I’m sure we’ll think of something. But what I find more worrying at the moment is the guy in the basement he’s talking about.
FRINK: [under his breath], please don’t say we’d better investigate. Please, please don’t say it….
NED: I think we’d better investigate this.
FRINK: …Shazbot!

They head downstairs to the basement, where the old laboratory and library is. The books are still scattered from when Smitheroth did his research years before. They look around carefully, but don’t see anybody. Then SCRATCH notices a small locked door in the back. The group gathers around it.

MARGE: Whoever it is must be behind this door. But we don’t have a key, how do we get in?
FRINK: Awww, not another one of those quest-thingies….
HOMER: The hell with that!
APU: Here, allow me to be of some assistance. Stand back, please.

The others stand back as APU approaches the door. He stands parallel to it, and raises his flaming tail to the lock. After a few moments the lock glows red and melts, falling to the floor.

HOMER: Oooooh!
NED: Hey, neat trick. Thanks, Apu!
APU: It was no trouble at all.
FRINK: Wish I could melt things with my body….
MARGE: Okay everybody, prepare yourselves.

They all go into attack mode except for FRINK, who cowers behind NED. They all move quickly into the room and stop. They look around, and looks of dismay and disgust cross their faces. The room is like some sort of nasty crypt, full of skeletons and old, beat up coffins. There is one intact coffin in the middle of the room, but it is empty.

HOMER: Ewwww….
MARGE: I really, really hope that Smitheroth wasn’t referring to a zombie or something….
FRINK: [looking up, panicking] Ahhh….ahhh….ahhhhhh….
NED: What’s the matter?
FRINK: T-that. [points]

Everybody looks up and does a double-take. What appears to be a gigantic bat with its wings wrapped around itself is hanging from an old chandelier and sleeping. Faint snores can be heard coming from behind the wings.

SCRATCH: Oh dear….I’ve never known anything good to have big batwings like that….
FRINK: Batman?
SCRATCH: [confused] Who….
MINDY: Shhhhh, you’ll wake it, er, him up!
NED: Go ahead and wake him up! I’ve been itching to kill something ever since Springar.
HOMER: Alrighty then. Shall I do the honors? [raises sword]
NED: Go ahead.
HOMER: [gleefully] It’s piñata time!!!

Mariachi music begins playing in the background as HOMER smacks the creature with the flat of his sword, literally as if he was taking a swing at a piñata. The music stops as the snoring ends abruptly and a surprised noise is heard. The batwings immediately unfold, revealing the figure within. Everybody takes a step back, and FRINK’s jaw hangs open. The batwings disappear into mist, and the figure (who was hanging by his knees on the chandelier) does a slow somersault and lands upright on the ground, glaring at them.

It is PRINCIPAL SKINNER (GASP!). But what a difference. SKINNER is around twenty years younger than the regular one, and is wearing black pants and a baggy, black three-quarter sleeve shirt, with a large scarlet cloak over it. His boots are almost knee high with metal tips, and his longer-messier-and-darker-than-usual hair is held back with a scarlet bandana. His left arm is gleaming and robotic, ending in a scary clawed hand. He is quite pale, and his glowing red eyes are glaring at the party. When he speaks, his voice is quiet and slightly raspy.

SKINNER: …Who are you? What do you want?
HOMER: [sputtering] We…ah….erm…buh…guh….
FRINK: Gla….vin…..I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at my MENSA friends the same way again….
NED: The hell are you?! What are you doing down here?!
SKINNER: Until you woke me up, I was sleeping. Now go away. [turning away] Let me sleep….
NED: No way! This is a BurnsRa building….[eyeing him]…are you an employee of BurnsRa?
SKINNER: Well….if you must know….I used to be a Jerk.

Nearly everybody gasps and starts to go into attack-mode, except for FRINK.

FRINK: Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. There are plenty of jerks out there, but you aren’t one if you can admit to yourself that you’ve made a mistake in life!
SKINNER: …What?
NED: Frink, don’t be an idiot! The Jerks are the special agents of BurnsRa! They were the ones that kidnapped Mindy!
FRINK: Oh! [scurries behind Ned again]
SKINNER: I said I used to be a Jerk. But I left their service long ago….they used me….told me one thing, did another….I gave the best years of my life to them….[eye tic]
HOMER: Errr….then what are you doing down here with all these skelly-tons? You, uh, didn’t kill and eat them did you?
SKINNER: [appalled] What?! Of course not! What do I look like, some sort of cannibalistic monster?! [pause] Please don’t answer that.
MINDY: Well?
SKINNER: I’d rather not discuss it. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to discuss anything. Please go away.
MARGE: But….
SKINNER: Please.

SKINNER walks over to the coffin in the middle of the room and lies down in it. He shuts the lid, which everybody stares at for several seconds. A muffled “Go away!” is heard eventually. They look at each other and shrug, then walk out into the main basement again. As they head upstairs they begin to talk again.

NED: That was gosh-diddly-darn weird….
MINDY: I feel kind of sorry for him….cooped up all alone in that little room with all those nasty things in there….
HOMER: Meh, he apparently likes it there. But yeah, talk about weird. He looked stranger than one of Dr. Nickjo’s creations.

Suddenly a loud slam is heard, followed by the flapping of wings. SKINNER zooms into the room ahead of them, his wings disappearing again as he lands. He stares at them with a furious look on his face.

SKINNER: Nickjo?! Did you say Dr. Nickjo?!
HOMER: Cool, vampire ears!
SKINNER: [ignoring him] I repeat the question. Did you say the name Dr. Nickjo? As in the BurnsRa scientist?
MARGE: Yeah, that’s him. Why?
SKINNER: [furious] Because he’s the cause of all my woes! He…he….oh, Patricia…..can I come with you?
ALL: Whaaa?!
SKINNER: I want to get even with him and BurnsRa! I want to make up for all my past sins! I also want to get some fresh air, the dankness was starting to get to me….
NED: Can you fight?
SKINNER: …What do you think?
NED: Point. Welcome aboard.
SKINNER: Thank you. I will do my utmost to help you with your cause…er, what is your cause?
HOMER: We’re saving the planet from the BurnsRa corporation and a girly-boy with a big sword and an ego problem.
SKINNER: Good enough.
HOMER: Woohoo!
SKINNER: By the way, my name is…
FRINK: …Skinner?
SKINNER: How….how did you know that?
FRINK: I’ll explain during the trip. Is your first name Seymour, by any chance?
SKINNER: No. It’s Vincent.
FRINK: Should’ve known…
HOMER: Can I call you Vinny?
SKINNER: No.
HOMER: How about Skinny?
SKINNER: No.
HOMER: Um…what about Skinny Vinny?
SKINNER: NO!!!
HOMER: Awww….
APU: Um….I suggest we move on, as it is getting dark and I do not feel the urge to spend the night in a ghost town.
MARGE: Okay. We’ll just camp out in the wild. We should be alright…
SCRATCH: I don’t really hafta sleep, so I can stand watch for you guys the whole night. Would you like that?
MINDY: Oh, that would be so nice of you!
MARGE: Hrrrrmmmmmm…okay. Fine.

The scene cuts to the group camping out in the wilderness. They are using sleeping bags and blankets out in the open, around a small fire. SKINNER is hanging in batwing-mode from a nearby tree branch. SCRATCH is a little ways away from the others, staring at them. The camera pans to the side of his face, and slowly zooms in. As it approaches his eye, the scene fades right into another scene. It is of a surveillance screen, which is showing a live black-and-white video feed of the group from SCRATCH’s point of view. HOMER snorts in his sleep and turns over as the camera pans slowly upward from the screen to the face of the person watching it, MR. BERGSTROM (‘Lisa’s Substitute’).

He is wearing a blue suit like what the Jerks wear and has a small goatee, but is otherwise unchanged. His face has an expression of great unhappiness on it as he surveys the scene through SCRATCH’s eyes. He starts at some footsteps behind him, and turns to see a bearded MAYOR QUIMBY in a green military-style jacket approach him.

QUIMDIGGER: So, Reevestrom, how is your, ah, little toy doing?
REEVESTROM: Just fine, Quimdigger, sir. The rebel group is camped at the moment, and he is standing guard.
QUIMDIGGER: Good, good….hopefully he will be able to get us some good, solid information. We need all the, ah, information we can get if we are to, erah, succeed in our little operation. Maybe he will even be able to give us a chance to destroy that annoying little group in the, ah, process. Now, I have a hot date with, erah, Ms. Scarletania, so goodnight, Reevestrom. Keep up the good work.
REEVESTROM: [miserably] Yes, sir….

QUIMDIGGER saunters out of the room. REEVESTROM goes back to watching the screen, looking even more unhappy.

The next morning. FRINK is sitting on a log, speaking into a little recording device. BALPHAZAR and a wild moogle are perched in a nearby tree grooming each other, while the rest of the group putters around camp, packing up and having breakfast and such. HOMER is snarfing up some of his favorite Dried Meat, while NED and SKINNER look on in disgust. APU is experimentally chewing one large piece given to him by HOMER, growling as he tries to eat it. MARGE and MINDY are packing, trying to ignore SCRATCH, who is trying to tell their fortunes while picking up supplies for them.

FRINK: From the Journal of Professor John Frink, Entry #6494….I am unable to write in my diary today, so I am using my portable recorder in its stead. When I return home…check that, if I ever get home, I will transfer the entry to paper. Well, this is the first time in quite a few days that I’ve been able to do a Journal entry. Thanks to a careless mistake on the part of my assistant…
BALPHAZAR: Hey!
FRINK: …I have found myself trapped in a world so strange that the late Mr. Asimov would do a double-take if he saw it. As of the moment I am not sure if it is a parallel of my own universe, or just the same universe really, really messed around with. I mean, I know I keep going on about it, but it’s like someone threw a giant space-warping monkey-wrench into the cosmic works! *ng-hey* So far I have seen incarnations of my friends and acquaintances that wouldn’t be out of place at one of Louis’ yearly cosplay conventions….[pause] I wonder….is there a version of me here? Or am I the only me here, meaning this truly is the real world and I’m the only normal one left in it? Hmmm….best to leave that can of worms unopened and at the bottom of the cooler. I must concentrate on our epic journey, and keep my fingers crossed that that octoparrot from the lab doesn’t show up as some sort of monster-boss-guardian-type thing….

He puts away the recorder and stands up, brushing himself off. He turns to his companions, who are ready to go.

FRINKS: My friends….let us go….

He whips back around, pointing in our direction at the camera and posing dramatically.

FRINK: …BACK TO THE FUTURE!
HOMER: Huh?
FRINK: I’m sorry, I…I just had to do that. Don’t mind me.
NED: Don’t worry, we don’t.
FRINK: Glaven…

They move on, hiking through the woods. Things are pretty uneventful until the mid-afternoon, when they pause for a break. They sit down in a small circle, talking with each other (we can’t hear them) and relaxing. Suddenly, a yellowish haze descends over them.

SKINNER: What the--?!
NED: It’s a Sleep spell! Somebody’s using Parteria magic on u---zzzzzz….
HOMER: ‘Go sleep now…*snore*

They all fall over, asleep. The screen goes black, then comes back. This time it’s focused on FRINK’s sleeping face and upper torso. Soon, small hands can be seen, rifling through his shirt pockets. They belong to a young girl, whose grumbling voice can be heard as her hands search.

GIRL (OS): Hmmmph….not much good Parteria on these guys. And there isn’t any on this loser!

The hands give up and go back off-screen. FRINK then slowly begins to wake up. The camera switches to a normal view as FRINK pulls himself up on his elbows and groggily looks around. The young girl has his back to him, and is busy investigating SCRATCH. FRINK realizes what has happened, and quickly becomes fully awake. He looks wildly around. His gaze falls on SKINNER, who is sprawled out on the ground next to him. He nudges him, to no effect. Then, desperately, he puts one hand over SKINNER’s mouth and uses the other hand to grab a fistful of hair and tug. Hard. This makes SKINNER start awake, but because his mouth is muffled there’s no yell. He looks angrily at FRINK, who removes his hand and points at the girl. SKINNER looks, and comprehension dawns. Then the fury hits. Without a sound he jumps up. He begins to hover in the air for some reason, then fades away as if turning invisible. FRINK stares dumbly at the spot where he was a second ago, then scoots back as something large and nasty fades back in SKINNER’s place. Instead of SKINNER, an evil-looking purple werewolf thing with a dragon tail and large horns has appeared. It lands with a thud on the ground, and roars.

The girl whirls around, wondering what made the noise. It’s JESSICA LOVEJOY (‘Bart’s Girlfriend’)! She’s a few years older, though, about sixteen. She is wearing khaki shorts and brown hiking shoes, and a sleeveless green turtleneck. She has a large shield-like apparatus strapped to her left arm, and her hair has a white bandana in it. She is armed with a giant metal pinwheel. Looking annoyed at first, the sight of the monster causes her eyes to bug out. She lets out a scream that would wake the dead. It succeeds in waking up the rest of the party, anyway. They all leap to their feet as the purple monster lunges forward, trying to catch the girl. She tries to get away and only manages to get chased around in circles by it. The others try to figure out what’s going on as the girl and the monster occasionally pass by in the background.

NED: THE HELL IS THIS?!?!
MARGE: Who’s the girl? Where’d that monster come from??
HOMER: Where….where’s my Parteria?!
FRINK: Well….as near as I can figure out, that girl over there put us to sleep in order to steal your magic rock dealies. Then I woke up, then I woke up Skinner, and then the floating and the monster and the…the screaming….*ng-hey*
APU: That monster is Vincent??
SCRATCH: Apparently so.
HOMER: Coooool! I wish I could turn myself into stuff….

Their conversation is brought to a halt as the girl suddenly flies overhead with a loud “UWWAAAAUUUUGGH!”, landing several hundred feet away in a bush. They all stare at the bush, then turn to look at SKINNER, who has gone back to his normal form. He has a sheepish expression on his face.

SKINNER: Sorry. Didn’t mean to throw her that far. I got a bit carried away…
NED: Good Lord, I’d hate to see you when you’re really mad.
HOMER: I wouldn’t! I’d WANNA see that!
SKINNER: Er, umm….I think we should go and see if the girl’s okay.
FRINK: Yeah, I think you broke the shot-put record with that throw. Good thing she landed in that bush!

They all run over to where the girl is sprawled, dazed. HOMER picks up a stick and pokes her with it. She gives a small groan.

HOMER: Nope, not dead.
MARGE: Homer!
MINDY: [bending down] The poor dear….

The girl’s eyes snap open, and she leaps up, backing away from them in the process. She looks furious. She shakes her armored fist at them accusingly.

JESSIE: Just what do you think you’re doing? Ganging up on a girl like that! I’ll take you all on, one on one! C’mon!
HOMER: Pffffft, I’m not fighting with any little girl.
MARGE: Just what do you think you were doing, stealing our Parteria like that?
JESSIE: [pauses] Err….I’m on a, um, quest of sorts. To prove myself to my hometown! In it I need to, ah, collect all the Parteria I can. [quietly] Yeah, that’s the ticket….
NED: Hmmmph. Not a very nice way of going about it, putting people to sleep and then robbing them!
JESSIE: [haughtily] Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
SKINNER: Such a lack of discipline. You need to be taught a lesson, young woman!
JESSIE: [quailing] Ah heh….look, I’m sorry, okay? But enough of that!!! I don’t take being thrown like that lightly! Give me your best shot, you old geezers!

She goes into a battle stance. FRINK steps back a pace, but the rest of the group just looks at her.

NED: We don’t have time for this. C’mon, let’s go…
HOMER: Yeah, let’s go. I’m gettin’ hungry.
MARGE: Oh, you’re always hungry.
HOMER: Yeah, but still! [pause] Y’know….somethin’ just occurred to me! We’re not too far from a town I know. Very technologi-mah-cal place. I got a brother there!
APU: You have a brother?
HOMER: Yeah, well, half-brother technically. He’s a pilot. Maybe he could lend us a ride so we can move faster and not hafta do this camping-thing all the time.
MINDY: That’s a very good idea! I’m getting tired of rocks and killer owl-cactuses.
NED: That’s a pretty good idea, I have to agree. Okay, move out.

They move out, continuing on their journey. JESSIE stands still, watching them with a look of surprise on her face. Then she takes off after them.

JESSIE: Hey! HEY! What about me?! I’m coming with you, no way I’m missing an opportunity for adventure and plunder like this! Hey! My name is Jessie! Hey!! DON’T YOU IGNORE ME!!!

Author’s Note: For those of you who have actually played FF7, I am well aware of the fact that there is already a character named “Jessie” elsewhere in it. Bust as I could not think of any other spoof-name more appropriate, I used it for JESSICA’s character. Please don’t flame me for that.

Much later. The slightly larger group is standing in front of a sign at the entrance of a large, machinery-filled village. At the far side of it is an ugly, green, decrepit rocket held up by supports. They look at the rocket, then back at the sign, which says “DETROIT ROCKET CITY”. They enter the village, heading towards the rocket.

MARGE: So….this is the town where your brother lives, huh Homer? It’s… interesting…
HOMER: Yeah…he was always keen on gadgets and shiny metal things. I hope he’s not still mad at me, though…
NED: [stopping in his tracks] Come again?
HOMER: Well, ah, you see….the last time he and I talked, we had a, uh, bit of a falling out….
FRINK: [to himself] Hmm, I remember hearing about this…Nice to see that some things never change. [to Homer] What was the last thing he said to you?
HOMER: That if I ever show my !@#$!ing face again, he’ll !@#$!ing rip if off and use it as a !@#$!ing ashtray.
FRINK: Ah. That could, uh, make things difficult…
NED: You have a real way with people, Strife. Even your own relatives!
HOMER: Yeah, well, it ain’t easy bein’ me…
MINDY: I’m sure that your brother’s forgiven you by now, Homer. And even if he hasn’t, then this is the perfect opportunity to make amends!
HOMER: Well….if you say so….

They head for the rocket and pause at the bottom, looking up as loud and prodigious swearing fills the air. There is a loud ‘CLANG’ of metal as the person above hits the rocket with a blunt instrument.

It’s HOMER’s half-brother, HERB POWELL (‘O Brother, Where Art Thou?’)! HERB is dressed like a pilot, complete with blue bomber jacket, scarf and goggles. He has a pack of cigarettes tucked away in the side of the goggles, and a half-gone cig in the corner of his mouth. He is grumbling to himself, perched on a platform next to the rocket and waving a wrench at the offending piece of machinery.

HERB: [growling] Stupid piece of !@#$!! Why won’t you work?!
HOMER: [uncertainly] ….Herb?

HERB spins around, trying to see who’s calling him. His eyes rest on HOMER, then widen as recognition dawns.

HERB: ….Homer? [suddenly turning angry] You jerk! You !@#$!in’ numbskull! How dare you show your face here again?! I’m reduced to workin’ on this goddamn scrap heap and other junk because of you! You RUINED me!
APU: What did he do?
HERB: He knows what!!

HERB stabs a finger in the direction of the ugly green rocket, which says ‘The Homer’ on the side of it. He then commences to shake his wrench menacingly at HOMER.

HERB: Say your peace, then get the !@#$! out!
HOMER: I, er, um…..c-could we borrow the Tiny Dancer?
HERB: …My airplane?! Are you !@#$! nuts?!
MINDY: But it’s really important!
HERB: No way! Now GO AWAY. I’m expecting someone.

He angrily turns back to the rocket, trying to absorb himself in his work. HOMER lowers his head dejectedly as both MINDY and MARGE pat him on the shoulder.

HOMER: C’mon, guys….let’s go….

They all walk down the path that leads out of town. They stop suddenly at the sound of someone going “pssst” at them. They turn, and see LUANNE VAN HOUTEN standing in front of a small house with a plane (the Tiny Dancer) in the backyard. She has a long ponytail and is wearing a lab-coat. LUANNE motions them towards her.

LUANNE: …You need to borrow Herb’s plane?
NED: As a matter of fact we do…
HOMER: It’s really important. You can get it for us?
LUANNE: It could take some work, but yes.
MARGE: Thanks….but who are you? How can you get away with this?
LUANNE: [blushing] Err….it’s not important. Herb can just be so stubborn sometimes.
SKINNER: Hmmph. That appears to be a bit of an understatement.
LUANNE: [pausing] Oh….I hear him coming. Stick around, maybe you can still talk to him.

HERB comes in the door, whistling. He stops dead at the sight of HOMER and friends in his kitchen, scowls, then slouches down in a chair at the table. He puts a crusty boot on the table and eyeballs them.

HERB: Well…as long as you’re here, you might as well make yourselves at home. Want some tea?
MARGE: Well, we--
HERB: Of course you do. Luanne, put the kettle on!
LUANNE: [does so, then looks in the tea container] We’re all out.
HERB: What? We can’t be! I’ll go check the pantry.

HERB gets up and goes into the nearby hallway, and opens the pantry door. From ceiling to floor it is full of nothing but boxes with the word ‘TEA’ stamped on the side. He yanks one box out, goes back into the kitchen, and dumps its contents into the tea container. Then he tosses the empty box behind him and sits down again.

HERB: I hope you lot like Earl Gray.
FRINK: [piping up] Like it? It’s my favorite!
HERB: [nods his head in approval] Good man! So….why exactly do you need my plane, Homer?

LUANNE walks around the room serving tea to everyone as they talk.

HOMER: [waving his hand] Oh, you know….saving the world from a maddened freak of nature with a sword and an evil monopoly that wants to rule the world…..the usual.
MARGE: Er, we want it to travel from place to place quicker. To….well, save the world, like Homer said.
HERB: [staring for a few moments] Homer, I think you read too many Power Source-Man comics as a kid. Save the world? Pfffft! Besides, the BurnsRa company ain’t as bad as you say. They’re gonna give me another chance for glory!
NED: What?! What are you talking about?
HERB: They’re gonna be here really soon, that’s who I was talking about meeting! They want to talk to me about my aircraft and my piloting skills! I just might be able to fulfill my dream! I could do something BIG!
HOMER: Herb, you can’t! BurnsRa is evil! Eeeeeevil! They do nothing but harm to all they touch!
HERB: [coldly] So do you.
HOMER: Ouch….
HERB: And that’s all I have to say about that, !@#$!. Now siddown and DRINK YER GODDAMN TEA!
ALL: Eeep!

FRINK, JESSIE and MINDY hurriedly sit down, the others just stand around looking abashed. HERB cocks his head as he hears noises outside.

HERB: …That’s them! Oh boy, this is it!

He runs outside. The group members look at each other, then cautiously make their way to the door and peers around. LARRY BURNSRA himself is there, along with QUIMDIGGER and several guards. HERB is, of course, in a heated exchange with them.

HERB: …YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME! First you take my air-boat from me, then you cancel my rocket program! If you take the Tiny Dancer from me, then that’s it! You’ve taken the whole !@#$! sky from me!
LARRY: [nervously, trying for companionably] Herb, Herb! C’mon, man! With that crazy kook Smitheroth gallivantin’ about like he is, nobody’s safe! We need the Tiny Dancer to reach the Temple of the Really Old People before he does! Otherwise the whole world could go, y’know, kablooie!
HERB: [stubbornly] I don’t care! I’m not about to be left in the lurch again!

The camera pans back to behind the group as they watch. LUANNE comes up behind them quietly, then coughs. They turn and look at her.

LUANNE: If you want to take the Tiny Dancer, now’s the time.
MARGE: [grasping her hand] Thank you, Luanne! This means the world to us.

They all wave in gratitude as they run out the back way. Much to their surprise, someone is already trying to start the plane. The large, round bottom sticking out of the small cockpit is a big clue. So’s the WIGGUM-ish voice coming from within the cockpit.

WIGGER: …Uh, blue wire or red wire? Darn, they never said anything about this sort of stuff in the job brochure….why do I always get picked to do this sort of thing?....I sure wish I had a donut….
NED: Is that Wigger?
MARGE: [trying to tear her eyes away from the jiggling bottom] Sure looks that way…

WIGGER pops out of the plane, looking at them in astonishment. Yeah, it’s CHIEF WIGGUM. Albeit in a green suit and holding a ridiculously large cartoon gun in one hand.

WIGGER: Waaah! It’s the rebels!
FRINK: [flattered] Really? I look like a rebel? Oh gosh, nobody’s said anything like that to me yet, I finally fit in.....oh glaven….
HOMER: Shaddap, Frink. Wigger! We’re taking this plane!
WIGGER: What? N-no, I can’t let you do that! I’d lose my job! Uh….uh…
APU: I believe this is the part where you shout ‘prepare to die’.
WIGGER: Thanks. PREPARE TO DIE!

WIGGER starts hopping up and down like an idiot, shooting his cartoon gun at them. It actually does a lot of damage, scattering the group in all directions. Occasionally he turns around and wiggles his butt at them, slapping it. FRINK starts screaming at this sight and shields his eyes, cowering behind a bush. Several members duck around the side of the house.

SKINNER: Such a shameful display of one’s posterior! Is this the sort of people BurnsRa employs nowadays?
WIGGER: Hey, I happen to be one of BurnsRa’s finest! Keep your mouth shut, ya ugly vampire!

Dead silence. Nobody moves, and WIGGER’s face shows that he knows he has just said the wrong thing. A low, spooky wind blows across the scenery. Camera zooms in on WIGGER, who shrinks in horror as a large, SKINNER-shaped shadow slowly envelops him.

The scene shifts to the Tiny Dancer, which the remaining members have climbed onto. HOMER sits in the cockpit. They make themselves comfortable while screams and various loud noises issue from off-screen. SKINNER eventually joins them, still looking pissed. JESSIE, BALPHAZAR, SCRATCH and MINDY return, stopping at the sight of a half-conscious and very battered WIGGER hanging from his underpants on a corner of the roof. JESSIE giggles evilly and points.

JESSIE: Hee hee, you called Mr. Skinner a vampire, didn’t you?
WIGGER: Mwaaaah? [passes out]
MARGE: [motioning towards them] C’mon, hurry! We have to go! Now, now!

The trio hops on, giving the Tiny Dancer a very odd appearance. It has various group members draped over it like birds perched in a tree, with HOMER still trying to figure out the myriad of controls and buttons in the cockpit. FRINK comes in closer and reaches his arm over HOMER’s shoulder, pointing at a specific button.

FRINK: You might want to try the ‘ON’ button.
HOMER: Oh. Uh, I saw that, I was just waiting for everyone to get comfortable….Now hang on!

He mashes the button, and grabs the controls. The plane’s propellers spin, and the machine slowly moves around in a circle. It gathers speed and takes off, zooming low above the ground around the house and towards the arguing men in front, who apparently didn’t hear one jot of what was happening in the back. They all duck, an angry HERB immediately popping back up and taking chase. After several minutes of loping oddly after it, he grabs hold of one of the wings and is pulled off the ground. The plane finally gathers altitude and becomes an increasingly smaller dot in the sky from the point of view of LARRY and company, an increasingly softer stream of angry and creative obscenities trailing after it.

The camera switches to a shot of the Tiny Dancer floating off the coast, the rocket, a ways inland, tiny in the distance. The various group members sit silently, watching HERB as he checks the plane’s engine. He sighs and closes the engine cover, glances at the propellers, and then looks at the others, glaring.

HERB: Thanks to Homer’s piloting skills, we had a pretty bad landing. !@#$!ed up the machinery, it’ll be a while before she flies properly again. And with BurnsRa and everything, it looks like I’m stuck with you. Care to explain everything?
MARGE: Of course. But it’s a long story….

The color onscreen fades as MARGE, HOMER and NED explain what’s been going on to HERB, and why they’re fighting. We can’t hear what they’re saying; a calm, flashback sort of MIDI song is playing softly. The other group members split their time between listening to the explanation and watching FRINK, who has somehow managed to pull a large fishing rod and some bait out of his little backpack. He puts a bit of shrimp on the hook and casts. Nothing happens for several moments. Then he gets a nibble, the line bobbing. He pulls, excited. Whatever’s in the water pulls back, yanking FRINK into the water. The others continue their narrative, FRINK being pulled back and forth, his mouth open in a scream. A giant, dragon-like creature leaps high into the air out of the ocean, the unfortunate FRINK being taken along for the ride. This finally calls the attention of the others. The monster arches its back, looking down at them. The hook is still in its mouth, of course. MINDY holds up her staff and points it, mouthing several strange words. The monster vanishes in a puff of smoke, and a small, red piece of Parteria lands on the ship. FRINK lands in the ocean with a loud splash. HERB fishes him out with his weapon, a large javelin he had stashed away on the plane. The screen and sound goes back to normal, the music ending.

NED: Frink, you caught a Leviathan! You’re lucky to still be alive!
FRINK: [coughing] You mean I am still alive? It’s hard to tell. Ng-hack!
MINDY: It’s alright….I made a connection with the creature, I turned it into a Summon Parteria! Now we can use this rock [holds it up] to summon it in battle!
HOMER: Ooooh, that’ll be useful. Thanks, Frink!
FRINK: You’re welcome. [sprawls flat on one of the wings] I’m never going fishing again….
HERB: !@#$!in’ wimp.
FRINK: Yes, I know….it comes with the territory when you’re a scientist. *glaven*
HERB: Hmmmph….well, that was a nice show you put on, but it’s time to get going. Gotta find that !@#$!in’ Temple, right?
MARGE: You’ll mean you’ll help us?!
HERB: Might as well. Nothin’ left for me in Detroit Rocket City anymore, and you’ve got me curious. I’m itchin’ for a good fight, too.
BALPHAZAR: I think we’ve gotten the entire party now. Everything from here on in is dangerous, and everybody we meet means business!
FRINK: Really? How do you know?
BALPHAZAR: I’ve got a guide to the game, remember? I know about lots of this stuff!
FRINK: [annoyed] Well, don’t bother to pipe up more often or anything, we like to guess our way through dangerous situations!
BALPHAZAR: [shrugs] You never asked about anything.
FRINK: Okay, okay….we’ll ask from now on.
HERB: What…..?...
APU: It is best if you do not ask right now, Mr. Herb.
HERB: I think you’re right. Okay, outta the pilot seat, Homer! I’ll take you wherever you guys want me to go!

A really complicated and heroic MIDI song begins thundering in the background as HOMER clambers out as HERB clambers in. He starts the plane again, and looks expectantly at the others. They nod and take their positions, HOMER pointing in the direction he wants them to go. HERB takes the controls and moves the plane forward. The plane coasts along the top of the water, shrinking as it gets farther away until it disappears entirely.

The camera fades in on a shot of a jungle-covered island. It then switches to inside the jungle, where the group is trying to make their way. Those with appropriate weapons are hacking away at plants that bar their way. Clusters of unnaturally large mosquitoes occasionally pop up, freaking out some of the more sensitive (read: wussy) members. FRINK desperately rummages inside his backpack, pulling out a large flyswatter. He pushes a button on the handle and the upper half bends over and begins twirling around like a helicopter blade. Monster mosquitoes are sent into the stratosphere, the rest buzzing away in a panic. FRINK grins and puts the contraption back in his pack. HERB looks on in interest.

HERB: Hey Frink, how many of those weird gadgets do you have in that little pack of yours??
FRINK: Just as many as I need, Mr. Highwind. A mad scientist likes to be prepared for absolutely anything. *ng-hey*
SKINNER: [gets twitchy] ….Mad scientist?
FRINK: I, uh, er, oh…..not that kind of mad scientist!!!
HOMER (OS): Hey guys! C’mere, I think we’ve found the place!

Everybody runs over to where HOMER stands, which is at the edge of a clearing. They look where he is pointing, only now noticing the humongous temple smack dab in the middle of it. It is crumbly, covered in vines, and multi-layered like an ancient Mayan temple. Looks like something out of an ‘Indiana Jones’ movie. There is a pair of BurnsRa-labeled vehicles next to the entrance.

NED: Dammit, BurnsRa beat us to the punch! Now what do we do?
MARGE: I think it’s really up to Mindy…

They all turn and look at MINDY, who is standing with her hands held together in the age-old stance of uncertain innocence. She is silent for several minutes, then she releases her hands and makes fists out of them, a look of determination spreading across her face.

MINDY: I say we should still go in! This is the Temple of the Really Old People, my ancestors! I’m not about to let someone mess around with it!

She pulls her staff out of thin air, holds it horizontally in one hand, and marches towards the temple. The others just look at each other, begin to look determined themselves, and follow.

Inside the temple. There are several different doorways leading in opposite directions. MINDY turns to the others, still determined but unsure and nervous.

MINDY: [quietly] Oh, nooooo…..[normally] What now? Should we split up? It could take us forever to find the BurnsRa men! And we need to find them before they get whatever they’re after!
MARGE: Well, there is no other option but to split up. We’ll just have to do that and hope for the best.

HOMER poses dramatically in the middle of the group, looking stern and authoritative. The others stand back and look at him expectantly.

HOMER: Awright everyone, listen up! If we have to split up, then that’s what we have to do! There’s no turning back, no wussing out now! It’s like what Ned told me…

He spins around to face them, and speaks even more dramatically.

HOMER: …There ain’t no getting’ off this train!

NED and MARGE grin at him, getting the reference. Everyone else just stares at him.

FRINK: Train?
APU: What is this train you speak of?
SCRATCH: Maybe he means Herb’s plane.
SKINNER: But we’re not on the plane now.
NED: No, Homer’s referring to something else! We were on a train, and….
MARGE: More like a monorail, actually.
NED: No, it was a train!
MINDY: Look, it doesn’t matter what it was…
JESSIE: [pale] Ugh, all these planes, trains and automobiles! Stop talking about ‘em, they make me nauseous!
HERB: [offended] Hey! Don’t go knocki--

At first HOMER is surprised and crestfallen that his statement didn’t have the impact he meant it to have. Then, as they chatter and argue, he gets annoyed and waves his hands at them in a “Scoot!” sort of manner.

HOMER: Oh, just everybody shut up and like, form groups or something!!

They split up. HERB, SKINNER and JESSIE go in one door. APU, SCRATCH and NED go in another. HOMER is left with MARGE, MINDY and FRINK.

FRINK: [bitterly, more so as he goes along] *sigh*….Odd man out again. This dredges up memories of junior high gym class, with the not-being-picked-till-last and the bench-warming and the hey-hey-hey-I’m-going-to-build-a-giant-robot-and-get-my-reven--
MARGE: [thinking quickly] You weren’t left for last, Frink! We just, um, were waiting for the others to finish choosing so that we could get going!
MINDY: Uh….yeah! If anybody else had tried to pick you, we would’ve protested!
FRINK: [blushing] Really? Ah, thanks very much, girls, I really don’t *hoo-hay* oh boy….
HOMER: Welcome aboard, man! [pats him on the back, then whispers in his ear] I really need another guy around to ease the whole romantic-tension thingie.
FRINK: Roman….[notices Marge and Mindy eyeing each other suspiciously] Oh. Okay.
HOMER: It’s so hard to concentrate on killing things and saving the world when you hang out with people like this, y’know?
FRINK: I’ve….noticed….[blushes more]
MARGE: [interrupting] Well, are we going soon? We’re probably way behind the others!
HOMER: Uh, yeah, let’s get going! [points with sword] Forward! Rally-ho!

One by one the quartet makes their way into the remaining tunnel. They walk for a while, not encountering anything.

HOMER: Well….the going hasn’t gotten tough yet. This place is a cinch!
FRINK: Don’t say that, you’ll jinx it!!
HOMER: Eh, jinx schminx. I’ve got a really big sword and some magic rocks!
MARGE: You do realize how silly that sounds when you say it like that, right?
HOMER: [defensively] I’ll say whatever I want to say the way I wanna say it! So there!
FRINK: I have to admit, you are being a bit *glaven* childish. And the grammar around here could use some work.
MARGE: What you say?
FRINK: Now don’t you start!
MINDY: Um…sorry to interrupt, but how do you think the others are doing?
HOMER: Eh, I’m sure they’re fine.

Scene cuts to the first group. HERB, SKINNER and JESSIE are in a room with three floors of three doors each. They are chasing a little old man that looks suspiciously like the CRAZY OLD MAN in a robe and pointy wizard hat in and out of the doors. Going in one door results in the person coming out of a totally unknown door, which makes things confusing. The COM cackles and jumps to a lower level as JESSIE and HERB accidentally run into each other and fall over.

JESSIE: Ow! Look where you’re going, you stupid old fogy!
HERB: Watch it, kid. Don’t test me!! Skinner, where the !@#$! did that crazy old man skip off to?

SKINNER is flapping around about level with the middle floor. He’s watching all the doors carefully. He rises a bit so that HERB and JESSIE can see him. The camera then switches to just behind the two looking at him.

SKINNER: I’ll let you know in a moment.

SKINNER goes back down, and nothing is heard for a few moments. Then there is some flustered flapping and a shocked squawk. He comes back up, holding the COM by the scruff of his robe.

JESSIE: [raises her arms] Yay! Uh….I mean….[snootily] finally!
HERB: Hand over the key, gramps!
COM: [grumbling] Nyum, nyum….

The COM hands them a key. He is promptly dropped on the floor as the trio makes their way into the next room.

Cut to the second group. The room is surrounded by darkness, with the exception of a side-less, crumbling walkway going from one end of the room to the next. Every few seconds giant, C-shaped rocks go rumbling down it (don’t ask). NED, APU and SCRATCH are racing down the path, stopping every few moments to let the open part of the rock pass over them so that they don’t get squashed.

NED: …Okay, move! [they dash forward] Okay, move! [again] Okay, move! [they reach the end] Phew, we actually made it.
APU: Um, not quite, Ned sir. Mister Scratch is currently engaged in peeling himself off of the last rock.

SCRATCH wobbles over to them, significantly flatter than he was before. He pats himself and tries to fix himself up a bit.

SCRATCH: Urk….*squawk*…That was not fun….*bzzz*….Don’t worry, I’ll be fine in a *bwip* moment.
NED: How’d you survive that?!
SCRATCH: [pounds chest with one gloved fist] I’m just a stuffed animal with a few gears inside! The Golden Bowl will hire anybody who works cheap. Not much can *bzzz* hurt me.
NED: A stuffed animal? Ohh, I’m not even gonna ask….
APU: Nor will I. I do not think there is much time to go into that sort of strange detail at the moment anyway, so let us hurry on.

They go on to the next room.

Cut to the last group, emerging from the tunnel. They are in a curved hallway, with a strange room at the end of it. An old man (GRAMPA!) dressed like the COM is sitting at the halfway point. His head is tilted backwards, mouth open wide in sleep. He is snoring loudly, as usual. MINDY pokes him gently.

MINDY: Excuse me….sir?
GRAMPA: Huh….wuh…..ah? AAAAAAAA! The Lady Deeaaaath, come to take my soul awa-aayyyy!

He jumps up and stumbles around, trying to think of a place to escape to. MARGE and HOMER each grab onto an arm, capturing him. They let go once he agrees to stay put.

HOMER: Not so fast, you old coot! What’s going on here?
GRAMPA: I ain’t sayin’ nothin’! [tries to spit in his face] Mmmmmmmwooooohhh, I don’t have any saliva left….
MINDY: Take it easy sir. I’m a Really Old Person, just like you! I’m here to save the Planet!
GRAMPA: Huhr? A Really Old Person? It can’t be, we don’t have any young Old People any more! You don’t even have a beard!
FRINK: You mean those are required?
GRAMPA: [turning to him, goes wide-eyed and points] Oooooohh, you’re not of this world! I’kin feel it in my bones! Fear not, man of the four eyes, you will play a great part in the battle that is to happen! You wil--zzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz..

GRAMPA falls asleep mid-sentence. HOMER impatiently pokes him awake.

GRAMPA: Huh? Wuh? Ah? AAAAAAAA! The Lady Deeaaa--
HOMER: Oh, don’t start that again! What’s going to happen? What’s Frink gonna do?
GRAMPA: [crosses his arms] Not telling. You’re bein’ rude to a poor ol’ man.
HOMER: Oh, c’mon, tell us!
GRAMPA: No!
HOMER: Tell us!
GRAMPA: No!
HOMER: [getting annoyed] Dooooo ittttttt….
GRAMPA: [covering ears] I can’t hear you! [loudly] NYUM-NYUM-NYUM-NYUM-NYUM….
MARGE: Excuse me!
GRAMPA: [stopping] What can I do for you, miss?
MARGE: If you won’t tell us about the future, could you at least tell us about what’s going on now? What’s happened here?
GRAMPA: I dunno. Been sleepin’ most of the time, it’s what a Really Old Person does. Had lotsa straaaaange dreams, though. Interestin’ ones, till you woke me up! All these strange people around me, walkin’ past me into the Hall of Ancients. [animated, hand motions] I remember, there was this one beeeyoooooootiful lady, all in black with silver hair…
MARGE: [interrupting] Did she have a sword?
GRAMPA: Yep, a biggun’ too. Could compete in the high jump with that thing. A warrior princess, was she….

As GRAMPA babbles away to himself, the quartet quickly moves down the remainder of the passage.

FRINK: I take it that that means that Smitheroth is here already, right?
HOMER: You can bet your coke-bottles, Frink! Wonder what he wants.
MINDY: Whatever it is, he’s not getting it!!!

They enter the Hall of the Ancients. It is a long, narrow room with a strange table at the end of it. The walls are covered in Egyptian-style hieroglyphics. However, what’s holding the attention of the group at the moment is the sight of what appears to be AKIRA with long hair and a suit sprawled in front of them, mortally wounded.

FRINK: [kneeling] …Akira?!
HOMER: No, that’s Tsakira, head of BurnsRa’s Jerks! Looks like somethin’ big is goin’ on here….
TSAKIRA: Ugh…
MARGE: He’s coming to!
HOMER: Tsakira! What happened here!
TSAKIRA: [blinking, breathing raspily] So…looks like you rebels finally made it. Congratulations. I think you’re all that stands between us and the end of the world….*cough*
MINDY: What on planet are you talking about?
TSAKIRA: The….Really Dark Gray Parteria. It’s in this….this temple. We came looking for it, but so did Smitheroth. He wants….wants to use it to reshape the world in his image. To control the planet. To change its very essence.
HOMER/MARGE/MINDY: WHAT?!
FRINK: Too late, I already did that. *ng-hey*
TSAKIRA: Wh…what?
FRINK: Well, it was an accident. I…..uh, never mind.
HOMER: So where is this Really Dark Gray Parteria?
TSAKIRA: It’s….down this hall, at the very end. I don’t know where he is now, but he could take it at any moment. Sto…stop him.
MARGE: Why are you on our side all of a sudden? Why are you talking to us like this?
TSAKIRA: Because….even I can tell when things go wrong. When things go the way you didn’t mean them to go. Because….even a Jerk knows when to stop being a Jerk.

TSAKIRA closes his eyes, and his body goes limp. The group looks solemnly at the dead man for a while, then down at the end of the hallway where the table is. They walk over and inspect it. It has a model of the temple and a series of strange patterns and machinery all over it.

MARGE: Oh my….what a strange device. Look at all that tiny detail of the temple!
HOMER: Ummmm….that’s very nice and stuff, but what the hell do we do with it?
MINDY: I’m….I’m not sure. Here, move over and let me look at it….

While they are engrossed with the doohickey on the table, FRINK stands slightly off to the side, looking at the dead TSAKIRA. As he does so, a familiar black shadow with a big pointy thing moves quickly by, and a foreboding MIDI that makes one think of sharks starts playing. FRINK turns panicky and looks around himself quickly, then goes over to the others.

FRINK: …Does anybody else hear the ‘Jaws’ theme playing in the background?
HOMER: What’s Jaws?
MINDY: Wait….I do hear something!
MARGE: Oh dear….what’s going on now?
VOICE (OS): Oh, just the end of the world as you know it.

They whip around. SMITHEROTH is standing before them in all his glory, sword in hand. He smiles icily at them, a crazed look in his eye.

SMITHEROTH: And I feel fine.
HOMER: Smitheroth!
MARGE: What are you doing here?!
SMITHEROTH: [loses his poise, looks exasperated] What the hell do you think I’m doing?
FRINK: Umm….plotting our untimely deaths and the stealing of the Really Dark Gray Parteria, with the slashing and the stabbing and the hey-hey-hey-katanaing?
SMITHEROTH: Smart man. I’ll kill you last.
FRINK: [too scared to even be scared anymore] Gee, thanks…
SMITHEROTH: You’re welcome. Now, if you’ll just stand still I can get this over with fairly quickly….

SMITHEROTH raises the Mammamia and makes a quick slashing motion across the group like he’s going to cut them in half. FRINK screams and everyone cringes in shock and fear. Nothing happens. They all slowly open their eyes, wondering why they aren’t dead yet. SMITHEROTH is nowhere in sight, they are by themselves again.

FRINK: [hyper-ventilating] Where-nghey-did-ohglaven-he-hahem-go?
HOMER: [in a scared little voice] Marge, are we dead or alive?
MARGE: I….don’t….know.
MINDY: Oh….its like he just….just vanished into thin air.
HOMER: But….why?!
SMITHEROTH (OS): Oh, I just wanted to mess with your heads a bit. Ha, ha, ha….

FRINK gives a little scream again and cowers behind HOMER. Everybody is alert and in attack mode, but they still can’t see SMITHEROTH or figure out where his voice is coming from.

MARGE: I didn’t know it was possible to insert commas into a laugh….
HOMER: Oooookaaaaaay…..er, shall we find that Parteria-thingie and get the hell outta here?
MINDY: I think that that would be a very good idea…

They look closely at the table again. MINDY suddenly starts and goes wide-eyed, as if hit by a new idea.

MINDY: Sudden thought….what if this temple is the Really Dark Gray Materia?
MARGE: You don’t mean….
HOMER: You’ve lost me.
MINDY: This table is a puzzle! When you solve it, the temple turns into the Parteria! It’s as simple as that!
FRINK: Uhhhh….but doesn’t that mean that whoever’s inside the temple doing the puzzle winds up more squashed than a spider under an encyclopedia?
MINDY: …..Oh. [downcast] Yeah, you’re right…..
MARGE: What do we do now?
VOICE (OS) Leave it to me!

The quartet turn around to see who’s talking. It’s SCRATCH SITH, followed by the rest of the group members, who have found each other again.

HOMER: You??
SCRATCH: Yeah, me! You guys get outta here and let me solve the puzzle. It’ll be alright.
FRINK: But you’ll, um, die.
NED: Naw, he’s just a stuffed animal.
MARGE: Come again?
SCRATCH: He’s right, I’m just a stuffed animal with some gears inside. And, I ….er….well, I guess it’s now or never that I tell you the truth.
APU: What do you mean?

As SCRATCH moves around to face them, his eyes go a bit blank. When he speaks his voice is completely different, and sounds like its being said from a long distance away over a radio receiver. It is REEVESTROM.

SCRATCH/REEVESTROM: To tell the truth….it’s what I should have done a long time ago. I never should have gone along with it. My name is Reevestrom. I am a member of BurnsRa’s staff.

NED: Y…you’re from BurnsRa?! You’re a SPY! I ought to…
HERB: Let the man have his say. Then we can cuss ‘im out.
SCRATCH/REEVESTROM: Thank….thank you. Yes, I am a spy. Or was one. I was ordered to build this robotic creature you see here in order to infiltrate the group, to keep an eye on you rebels. But….seeing the way things are going now, I just can’t do it anymore. Please let me help you.
HOMER: I don’t know…
MINDY: Yes. [everybody looks at her] I’ve always believed in second chances….and he does seem sincere. And how else can we get the Parteria without somebody dying?
MARGE: Hrrrrrrrmmmmmmm…..you’ve got a point.
NED: But he….he’s…..
JESSIE: Oh come on, Mr. Ned! Do you wanna stay in here and get all smooshed? I say let the catbot get smooshed.
NED: Well….okay. It’s against my damn better judgment, but I guess we don’t have a choice.
SCRATCH/REEVESTROM: [relieved] Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me, actually. Now leave the puzzle to me and Scratch, and get out of here. There’s still Smitheroth and the other BurnsRa employees to contend with.

MARGE nods at him, SKINNER salutes and JESSIE starts to wave before catching herself. The group then departs, back the way they came.

FRINK: Well, things just keep getting more and more interesting. Can’t think of a more interesting way to spend the weekend, though the constant about-to-die-a-painful-death-type moments do get on one’s nerves. *ng-hey*
NED: I still can’t believe he was a spy. I knew there was something odd about him!
HERB: Oh, knock it off. So he was a spy, big deal. He’s on our side now, and that’s what counts, !@#$%! it.

They walk on in silence. As they move on a strange noise begins to come from behind them. It sounds like a combination of tentacles rustling across hard stone and the echoing squawks of a parrot.

FRINK: [nervously] …Anybody got any Sprint Shoes?

Cut to outside the Temple of the Really Old People. The BurnsRa vehicles are gone now, and BALPHAZAR is napping on a tree branch. The various group members stream out the front door, running all over the place in their haste to get out. They all stop in the clearing and look back anxiously. The temple begins to tremble, then to shake. Suddenly it lurches up into the air, leaving the ground behind. A magical field surrounds it, and it’s shape twists and bends in strange ways. It begins to shrink, until it is no larger than an apple core. The magical field disappears, and the ex-temple falls to the ground.

The group approaches the side of the pit that was the temple base and peers down cautiously. At the very center and bottom of the whole is the Really Dark Gray Parteria. HOMER and MINDY slide down the side of the pit to investigate. HOMER picks up the Parteria, which glows faintly for a few seconds. It looks like a bumpy translucent rock that’s, well, very dark gray. A faint sound of snoring is coming from it.

HOMER: The Very Dark Gray Parteria….wow….
MINDY: Yeah….so much power in something so small. Who would have thou--Homer??

He ignores her. A strange look has come over his face, like he’s having some sort of inner conversation. HOMER’s body twitches, and then his head snaps to the side quickly. He glares at her with an expression of possessed anger.

Up above, the rest of the group is entertaining themselves in their own little ways, waiting for the two down below to finish what they’re doing. The people around HERB are trying not to cough as he lights up his umpteenth cigarette. Then, some nearby tropical plants rustle. Everybody starts and goes into attack mode, watching the movement anxiously. Out hops SCRATCH, or what appears to be him. They relax their positions and stare at him. He grins back and waves.

SCRATCH: Er, hi. I’m Scratch Sith 2.0! The boss made a back-up version of me just in case somethin’ happened. When the temple went implodie, he just downloaded my brain into this new body. Neat, huh?
HERB: …!@#$! I gotta have a word with this guy sometime….
SKINNER: Erm, welcome aboard, I suppose.
NED: Yeah, I guess….just no spying this time!
SCRATCH: Of course not! …Er, what’s that noise?

The group notices the noise for the first time. It sounds like a faint screaming and some scuffling. They run to the edge of the pit, except for JESSIE, who makes sure that nobody’s looking and grabs SCRATCH off his mount, giving him a big, glad hug and glaring at him when she’s done to make sure that he breaths a word of it to no-one. Then she joins the others.

HOMER has gone mad. He’s chasing MINDY around the pit, grabbing at her and trying to hit her. When he finally catches her he grabs her by the neck and starts choking her. The group stares in disbelief. Being the only ones in the group able to get down quickly, HERB and SKINNER respectively catapult and swoop in. The maddened HOMER turns on them, eyes alight. HERB uses his javelin to trip him up, and SKINNER hits HOMER on the back of the head with his metal hand. With a loud “KLONG”, HOMER crumples to the ground, completely unconscious. The others make their way down, some comforting the sobbing MINDY and some staring at the knocked-out HOMER. The screen goes black.

The screen slowly fades back in. HOMER is sprawled out on a small pallet inside a small, bare cottage. NED and MARGE are watching him. He shifts, groans, and slowly opens his eyes.

MARGE: [apprehensively] …How do you feel, Homer?
HOMER: Ugh….like I’ve been slapped silly by a robot.
MARGE: That’s a surprisingly accurate simile. Can you remember anything?
HOMER: Er….remember what?
NED: Y’know, how you nearly killed that poor Mindy girl down in the pit. Care to explain that?
HOMER: [sitting up] Huh?? I did what?! The last thing I remember is picking up the Really Dark Gray Parteria!
MARGE: You don’t remember chasing Mindy around in little circles and throttling her?
HOMER: N-no……oh, nooo…..
NED: Then what happened?
HOMER: I don’t know! Like I said, all I remember is picking up the Parteria! It glowed….my hand got all tingly, my head started to hurt, and then everything went black….[rummages in his pocket] I still have it, too.
MARGE: That’s….odd….
NED: So you didn’t mean to hurt her?
HOMER: No, of course not! [standing up] Where is she? I wanna apologize.
NED: Don’t worry, she’s already forgiven you. She said so.
HOMER: I wanna do it in person.
MARGE: Umm….you can’t. She’s not here anymore.
HOMER: What?! Where is she?!
MARGE: She….left. She said something about how there’s something she has to do on her own, and then….she left.
HOMER: But…but she can’t just do that! Smitheroth is out there!
NED: You think we don’t know that? She wouldn’t let us go with her. Normally I’d never let a lady go off on her own like that, but there was something about the way she said no that made us agree.
HOMER: Did she say where she was going?
MARGE: She said she was going to some place called the Dozing Forest. Don’t know where that is.
HOMER: [hotly] Well, I aim to find out!

He marches out the door of the cottage. They are in a sad, sparse little town in the middle of nowhere. The large metal scrap-heap next to it and the looks on the faces of the villagers are all the evidence needed to say that this is a BurnsRa-ravaged town. The rest of the group is sitting off to the side by one old hut in the corner, as FRINK and BALPHAZAR attempt to entertain them with a pack of cards.

FRINK: …Er, you did say Ace of Diamonds, right?
BALPHAZAR: No, I picked the Seven of Clubs.
FRINK: [sotto] Just agree already, you’re making me look bad!
BALPHAZAR: But it’s Clubs! Clubs!
JESSIE: Booooring! You guys suck.
FRINK: Hey!
SKINNER: You watch your language, miss.
JESSIE: Don’t you…. [looks at him, goes all meek] Yessir.
SKINNER: Very good.
HERB: Oh, come on, we can all say whatever the !@#$! we want, it’s a free country.
APU: This is a country? I thought we were just in a village on the continent that Springar isn’t on.
FRINK: Oh, please don’t go down that twisty-turny line of thought again…
HOMER: Ahem!

The conversation hits the brakes and they look up at HOMER expectantly. He licks his lips nervously before continuing.

HOMER: Uh, right then….Now, you all are probably wondering what was goin’ on earlier.
HERB: I’m not.
HOMER: Anyway….I just wanted to let you guys know that I wasn’t in control of myself when I attacked Mindy. Somebody else was. I’ve got a sneakin’ suspicion of who it was, too. Didn’t know he had that kinda power, but I wouldn’t put it above him.
FRINK: We’re talking about that Smithers-off guy, right?
HOMER: Right! And it’s up to us to find Mindy and help her with whatever she’s doing, like it or not, before anythin’ bad happens!
APU: But we do not know where this Dozing Forest that she spoke of is, mister Homer sir. She did not tell us.
FRINK: Eh, can’t be too hard. It’s probably on one of the continents we haven’t been to yet, and in an easily accessible area. *glaven* [everybody stares] Hey, I’ve picked up on a few things.
MARGE: Should we try that?
HOMER: Eh, why not? Marching blindly into some strange and possibly dangerous area with no clue has always been one’a my strong suits.
HERB: Can’t argue with that.
SCRATCH: Shall we go then?
HOMER: Yes!

The camera switches to a far-off shot of the village in the middle of a sprawling valley near the shore, where HERB’s plane can be seen. The heroic MIDI from before plays quietly in the background. A very distant shout of “Forward, HOOOOOO!” can be heard, shortly followed by a “Watch your language, miss!”.

Later. The group has pulled up to the shore of the icy northern-most continent, the southern parts of which resemble Alaska in late summer. Which is still fairly damn cold. The inadequately-dressed females of the group shiver as the party marches towards a large camp on the edge of a likely-looking forest. They reach the camp, which turns out to be the base of an extensive archeological dig. MARGE walks over to the leader and talks with him for a few minutes. Then she comes back.

MARGE: He says that a woman fitting Mindy’s description came by here a while ago, and went into that forest.
APU: Then that means that this is indeed the Dozing Forest. What now?
FRINK: What I’d like to know is how she got all the way up here by herself without getting mauled.
HOMER: No time for that now, let’s go into the forest.

They approach the forest. It is a forebodingly cheery place, full of miffical powers.

MARGE: Hrrrmmmmmm….the man said that according to legend, the only way to go in and out of the Dozing Forest without getting lost is to find the Harp of Luni and play a difficult tune from the days of old on it.
HOMER: Pffft, screw that!

He walks over to the nearest tree and gives it a kick. Shortly, a sleepy and annoyed voice booms out at them.

VOICE: Not another one….the hell do you want?
HOMER: Open up and let us through, we got business on the other side!
VOICE: Fine, fine. Just shut up and let me sleep.

With a slight rumble the trees in the middle part, revealing a path. HOMER marches in, the others taken aback. Then they follow.

After a while the party reaches a strange looking village. The houses are made of giant seashells and conches, the roads paved with huge pieces of straight shell. Coral looms up here and there like trees, and the twisting paths go all over the place, some into caves carved into the nearby mountains.

NED: Holy diddly-!@#$!in’-doodly.
HERB: Yeah….you said it.
HOMER: Wow, man….
FRINK: Is this what I think it is? The City of the…
MARGE: The Really Old People. [entranced] Yes, I think it is…
JESSIE: How’d she know it was here?
APU: I think it might have been an ancestral sort of thing. The Death-Salmon always returns to the place of its birth, and so on and so on. It probably drew her back like that, only without all the splashing and climbing of waterfalls.
HOMER: [clutches his head] Ow….my….my brain….
MARGE: What is it?!
HOMER: [normal again] He’s here! Smitheroth! We gotta hurry!!

He draws his sword and races down a certain path leading into the mountainside. The others follow.

Inside the mountain is another peculiar sight. The twisting path ends at the edge of a deep pool, in which is a raised dais with separated steps connecting it to the mainland, a ray of light shining from a hole in the ceiling. MINDY is on the dais. She is on her knees, hands clasped, in a praying position. She is clutching something in her hand. Her eyes are closed, and she apparently doesn’t notice the others.

HOMER motions the rest to stay where they are while he goes up alone. He cautiously hops from step to step, looking at MINDY curiously when he reaches the dais. Suddenly he begins twitching in the same manner he did before. His arms jerk up into an attack position, aiming the sword for a deathblow. HOMER moves as if his body is being controlled by someone else, and does not notice the rest of the group yelling and waving furiously at him. MINDY opens her eyes, looks up at HOMER, and smiles sadly and knowingly. Despite the control, HOMER manages to look surprised and blink at her. He breaks free of the control suddenly, gasping for breath. A moment too late, he looks up.

The camera cuts to the hole above, from which an all-too-familiar shape is quickly descending. SMITHEROTH holds his sword in front of him, point down. Just before he reaches the ground he thrusts it into MINDY, who goes limp in death as the point comes out the other side. Her hands come unclasped, and something bright and glowing falls out of them and into the pool. In the dead silence SMITHEROTH pulls out the Mammamia (you can even hear him pull it out) and lets the body fall to the floor, eyeing HOMER with a wicked expression and slight smile on his face. Things go into slow motion as HOMER leaps forward with a “NOOOOOOOOOO!”, trying to attack SMITHEROTH, who easily dodges him. The Really Dark Gray Parteria falls out of HOMER’s pocket. A heart-wrenchingly sad MIDI begins playing in the background. SMITHEROTH then flies up into the air, using some sort of strange force to knock over HOMER and the approaching members of the group. He then reaches into his cloak and drops something into the midst of them, which grows into a two-story high monstrosity which appears to be made up entirely out of interwoven tentacles. Busy fighting the creature, the maddened group does not notice that SMITHEROTH has nicked the Really Dark Gray Parteria during the mayhem and is flying back out through the hole in the ceiling.

After a lot of slashing, shooting, biting and magicking, the monster is finally slain and disappears in a red haze. Then, the MIDI still playing, HOMER sadly picks up the body of MINDY and carries it past the silent party members. He walks down the steps and to the edge of the pool, wading in. Several meters in he stops, and gently lets go of her. As the MIDI hits the really loud and poignant part, MINDY slowly sinks into the depths of the pool, her hair flowing out around her.

A few minutes later. HOMER is sitting on the edge of the pool, clutching his knees to him with his head bowed. Everybody else is standing or sitting in silence, mourning in their own way. After a while, FRINK looks up, and addresses the group uncertainly.

FRINK: Um….fellows?
NED: What is it, Frink?
FRINK: Y’know that Phoenix Down thingie you told me about? That brings you back to life if you’ve been killed to death and stuff?
MARGE: Yes?
FRINK: Well, um….couldn’t you have just used one of those?

HOMER raises his head. Everybody stares at FRINK, then turn their heads to stare at the pool. The camera cuts to a distant shot of the scene as a loud “D’OH!” echoes out. The camera then cuts back to the normal shot, as everybody stands in a row and looks down at the pool in front of them.

HOMER: How deep do you think it is?
NED: Dunno. Looks like it slopes down as you go along…
HOMER: Aw, damn it….er, can any of you swim?
NED: I would, but my arm would make me sink. Even if I got back up it would rust up something fierce.
SCRATCH: I’d probably explode.
SKINNER: Same here, unfortunately.
FRINK: You’d explode?
SKINNER: No, what Ned said.
JESSIE: I’m too light.
APU: I smell funny when I get wet.
HERB: And I got bad lungs. [takes a pull on his cigarette, gives a hack] But what about Marge? She’s got built-in floatation devi--Ow!!

HERB ruefully massages the back of his head and glances at the angry MARGE cracking her knuckles next to him.

MARGE: I’m sorry, but I can’t swim very well either.
FRINK: [helpfully] I can do a sort of doggy-paddle.
HOMER: Ohhhh….it’s no good. Now we’ll never get to see Mindy again!
MARGE: Hrrrrrmmmmmm….Homer…..death happens. It’s terrible that Mindy died the way she did, but she would’ve died eventually anyway. We’re all going to die eventually.
FRINK: Gee, thanks for that cheery-happy thought….
MARGE: What I mean is….we’ll all see Mindy, and each other, again in the afterlife. And who knows….if we can help Frink get the world back to the way it was, then none of this would have happened and Mindy might still be alive.
HOMER: [hopefully] You think so?
MARGE: [sadly] Yeah.
FRINK: Shall we move on, then?

They all turn to stare at FRINK, who’s standing near the cave entrance with as determined a look as he can muster.

FRINK: I mean, after all….you know that if we win this battle, I can find a way to make things go back to normal. Or what passes for normal, anyway. *hoo-hey* And I know for a fact that that Mindy-lady is alive in the normal world. So how about it? Do we move on?
HOMER: Yeah. We’re movin’ on. I want all this crazy madness to end! I just wanna be able to….to….relax in a hammock! And….and….drink beer and take a nap! And do all that without havin’ to worry about the end of the world or big nasty monsters!
NED: I don’t know about the beer and nap part, but I agree. I’m in!
MARGE: No going back now.
APU: I agree. My life is in your small and rather girlish hands.
SKINNER: I’ve got nothing better to do.
HERB: Same here.
JESSIE: Will shiny things be involved?
SCRATCH: Probably.
JESSIE: I’m in!
SCRATCH: Me too, and so is the boss!
FRINK: Well….let’s go, then.

The party leaves the cavern and City of the Really Old People in a heroic fashion, with the heroic MIDI playing. As they reach the edge of the forest they find BALPHAZAR perched on a branch, reading a small, floppy book.

FRINK: There you are, Balphazar! Keeping watch, I see. Where’d you get that book?
BALPHAZAR: Brought it with me from home. It’s a guide.
FRINK: Guide? What sort of guide?
BALPHAZAR: It’s the F-F-7 walk-through.

FRINK and the rest stare at the winged monkey in stunned silence. FRINK becomes livid.

FRINK: You mean you had the glavenin’ walk-through to this ng-heyinin’ place and you never told us?!?!
BALPHAZAR: Well, like I said before, you never asked.
FRINK: [sputtering] I—buh—you—gonna—what---ARGH! Give me that!

FRINK hops up and yanks the book out of BALPHAZAR’s paw, and quickly flips through it.

FRINK: I don’t believe it! It’s a step-by-step guide to this whole gosh-darned world! It even lists you guys as characters and what plot-points we have to go through! Oh, nooo….according to this, we’ve just done the first disc’s worth of story! We’ve got two more discs worth of story to go through before we can do the final battle thingie in the big Not-Southern Crater!
NED: You’ve gotta be kidding.
FRINK: I wish I was.
MARGE: Hang on, what’s this Crater we have to go into? Where is it?
FRINK: [checks map in book] Ummmm….right behind you.

The group turns around. A long ways off in the distance is a huge, mountain-sized crater. Waves of misty magic are flowing in and out of it.

HOMER: Well I’ll be damned.
APU: Why cannot we just go to it now, skipping the plot points?
FRINK: I don’t think we can. We have to follow the story before us, otherwise things will get to screwy-uppy.

Suddenly the ground begins to shake. The group looks wildly around, then at the crater. Large, horrific monsters that look like twisted versions of Godzilla and his cohorts come flying out of it, off into different directions. The shaking stops, and all the magical energy around the crater disappears.

FRINK: Oh, that can’t be good.
JESSIE: Um, was that giant comet-thingie in the sky there before?

They look up at the sky. There is indeed a huge glowing ball of rock headed straight for the planet, and it looks awfully close.

HOMER: Oh, crap.
SKINNER: This doesn’t look too good.
HERB: Ya !@#$! think?
HOMER: Wellllll….you never know. Maybe it’ll just break up and be no larger than a moogle’s skull by the time it gets here.
FRINK: You know what this means, right?
MARGE: What?
FRINK: We’re gonna have to go through this thing as quickly as possible.

As they begin to walk off to wherever they’re going, faint screams can be heard coming closer. A large BurnsRa vehicle has been shot out of the crater, and lands with a loud crash near the party. As they stare at it in surprise the door pops open, and LARRY BURNSRA, QUIMDIGGER and SCARLETANIA (Titania from ‘Pygmoelian’) fall out of it in a pile a la The Beatles cartoon.

LARRY: Wooooho, whatta rush! What do we do now?
QUIMDIGGER: Er-ah….passing out sounds like a good idea right about now. [does so]
FRINK: Shall we hence?
APU: Let us hence.
FRINK: Then….[opening the book at a random spot] …We’re going HERE!

The camera abruptly cuts to a shot of a snow-covered slope with a small town at the top of it. It then switches to a side-shot of the slope, moving downhill. We hear some screaming, shouting and cussing. Then a MIDI version of ‘Wipeout’ begins playing and the group appears onscreen. HOMER is riding a snowboard down the slope, with all the other members sitting on each other’s shoulders on top of him. Think the Beatle-stack in ‘Yellow Submarine’. FRINK is near the top, nose-deep in the walkthrough.

HOMER: Frink, I can feel my back giving out!
APU: Are you positive that this is the best way to do this sort of thing?
FRINK: As positive as can be! I mean, how else could the rest of us get downhill? There’s just one board.
HOMER: Friiiink…..
FRINK: I hear you, I hear you….just go left!

As HOMER goes down the left side of a “crossroad” in the slope, the camera stays still at the top as the group disappears. A “Watch out for that treeeeeeee..” is heard shortly before a large thud and some tumbling.

The camera abruptly cuts to the middle of some village. It is Japanese-style, with pagodas and robes and everything. Some people are gathered on either side of the empty space in the middle, watching as the Entertainment takes place. The party and the Jerks (JACQUES, plus a shaved RANIER WOLFCASTLE with sunglasses) are running back and forth in circles, chasing LORD COMICBOOKGUYEO, who is holding a tied-up JESSIE and what appears to be RUTH POWERS over his head, and who is going “BWAHAHAHA!” the whole time.

The camera cuts abruptly to another scene. The group is in a cavern behind a waterfall, trying to hold back SKINNER, who is trying to reach a ghostly figure on a small dais at the other end. It looks like a younger and slightly more attractive AUNT PATTY in a lab coat. HOMER looks like he’s about to barf.

SKINNER: But…but its Patricia! My lost love! I have to go to her!
FRINK: Look….*mfff*…you don’t have to go to the ghost-lady just because you knew her thirty years ago!....Which is a really blatant screw-up of time and chronology come to think of it, but I’m not going to get into that now. *nghey*
PATRICIA: [pulling on a ghostly cigarette] Look, will you let him go already? I can’t glow around here all day. The back cavern needs sweeping.
SKINNER: I’m trying! Look, don’t make me turn into a demon from hell….
HOMER: [scared] Make it go awaaaaaay….
FRINK: Okay….in the interest of sanity and not-getting-mauled, I’ll go ahead and say it. Mr. Skinner sir, would you like to know a little bit about your love life in the regular world?
SKINNER: [stops] …I live happily ever after with Patricia?
FRINK: Noooo….but you do date someone else. Uh, how do I put this….
SKINNER: Look, if it’s not Pat-- [Frink whispers in his ear] ….Oh? Oh. Really? Is that true?
FRINK: Cross my spleen, hope to fry. Or something like that….
SKINNER: [stands up straight, brushes himself off] Err, I think it’s time we got going. Goodbye, Patricia, it was nice seeing you again.

SKINNER begins to walk back towards the cave entrance, breaking into a frenzied and excited run half-way. He is quickly followed by a pale HOMER, and then the rest of the group. PATRICIA stays where she is, and puts her hands on her hips.

PATRICIA: Hmmmmph. Men….

The camera cuts abruptly to yet another scene. The group is running willy-nilly around a large valley, trying to get out of the way as huge, Godzilla-like feet stomp down around them. It’s one of the monsters from the crater. When the various group members speak, their voices are different and not in synch with their mouths.

FRINK: [waving his arms in panic] Gorzilla, Gorzilla!
MARGE: [quavering, high voice] Oh, whatever shall we do?
HOMER: [stopping, pointing to chest] Do not worry, comely young miss! I shall fell the foul fiend in less time than it takes to get to burning! [laughing carelessly] Ah ha, ha ha, ha ha ha!
HERB: [shaking his head] !@#$!in’ WEAPON.
JESSIE: Teehee! Which one is this again? Teehee!
APU: I think it is the Cubic Zirconium Weapon, Small Giggly Female. We have already taken care of Amethyst WEAPON and Amber WEAPON. We shall just have to see where this particular battle leads.
SKINNER: [gravely] Today is a very good day to die. Again.
SCRATCH: KAWAII!
HOMER: Stand back, my brave companions! It comes!

The rest of the group moves aside as HOMER faces the CUBIC ZIRCONIUM WEAPON on his own. The monster continues to stomp. HOMER runs up to him, moves to the side, and sticks his foot out. The monster trips.

CZWEAPON: Rarhr? RAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRR….

It hits the ground with a loud boom, sending everyone up into the air at least twenty feet. When they all regain consciousness, they praise HOMER.

NED: That was a clever and artful trick requiring much dexterity, young Grasshopper. I salute you and your ability to fight by getting in the way of things. How did you think of it?
HOMER: Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha. I did not think, I just…..did.

The camera cuts to yet another scene. The voices and synching are back to normal. This time they are in outer space with LUANNE. Their escape pod is quickly zooming away from HERB’s rocket, which is aimed straight at the comet. HERB is peering out the window.

HERB: Finally! I finally made it to outer space! The first man in space….
FRINK: Don’t you mean first men and women in space?
HERB: Shaddap. Let me pretend for a few minutes.
HOMER: [looks out the other window] Hey, the rocket just turned around and crashed into the Springar Bridge.
MARGE: So much for that plot to blow up the comet before it got here.
FRINK: [fidgety] Uh….this is bringing back unpleasant memories….
HERB: [to himself] Rocket Man. Yeah, I like the sound of that. !@#$!. Rocket Man, doo doo doo… [out loud] Frink, gimme your glasses!

The camera cuts back to planet Planet. The group is riding in what appears to be a flying boat with CAPTAIN MCCALLISTER and another guy steering it. They’re heading for the smoldering Springar.

HOMER: Okay…what’s the plan again?
SCRATCH/REEVESTROM: The rocket crash really did some damage to Springar. The city’s in chaos, and President Larry BurnsRa has gone missing. He’s probably just at one of the Sector 8 bars, but he’s still missing. I’m down in the slums myself, with Ned’s girls and some other citizens. I’m going to direct you with Scratch from here. No more working for BurnsRa here, I can’t take it anymore. Have one of your men fly Scratch into the city, and he’ll set up a rendezvous point for you. Then he’ll lead you into the inner lair of BurnsRa, where you can stop Nickjo from doing whatever the heck he’s doing up on the company laser. And, uh, find Quimdigger and Scarletania before they do some damage themselves. Clear?
HOMER: Um….what was that last part? About the bars and randy-voose?
MARGE: [interrupting] Everything’s clear, Mr. Reevestrom. Thank you.
SCRATCH/REEVESTROM: You’re welcome. And good luck, you’ll need it.
NED: Okay…..Uh, which one of you has wings again?

The group is silent and unmoving, the way Simpsonic crowds usually are. SKINNER eventually raises his hand.

NED: Right. You take Scratch Sith to where he needs to go. We’ll be right behind, so be sure to send us a signal. Y’know, breath fire or something, whatever it is you do.
SKINNER: Got it.

He sprouts wings, grabs SCRATCH, and dives off the side of the airboat. As the pair flaps away the rest of the group form a semi-circle facing HOMER and the captain.

HOMER: This is it, folks, the final battle-thingamajig before Smitheroth! Let’s make the planet proud of us!
ALL: [raising fists] WOO-HOO!
CAPTAIN: [to his mate] Yarrrrr, steady as she goes, lad! Warp Factor Five, and be quick about it!
MATE: Yessir, cap’n!

The mate pushes a button. The bottom of the rear portion of the airboat opens up to reveal a huge rocket propulsion system, which immediately turns on. The boat zooms through the sky, its members hanging on for dear life. One of them is going “Wheeeee!”.

They finally reach Springar. The party is spread out on either side of the boat, looking down and around at the slightly-ruined mega-city. On a cloudbank on the left side of the screen, a floodlight shines what appears to be the Batman symbol. FRINK sees it and pokes MARGE’s arm. MARGE responds by knocking him flat with a reactionary kidney punch. He weakly raises an arm and points to the symbol as MARGE apologizes profusely. The rest of the party sees it, and the CAPTAIN has his MATE steer the airboat in the appropriate direction.

Cut to the origin of the signal, on top of a low building. REEVESTROM is standing next to the floodlight, with a very happy SCRATCH clinging to his neck. SKINNER is spread-eagled on top of the light, his wings unfurled.

SKINNER: Can I get down now? The lens is getting very hot…
REEVESTROM: Just as soon as we can see the others…
SCRATCH: [points] There they are!

The trio look up. The rest of the party has jumped overboard with parachutes, and are floating down towards the building top. JESSIE and FRINK are clutching APU and trying not to gibber. SKINNER sits up and hops down. They all land softly, except for HOMER who couldn’t get his chute to work right. He lands with a loud “SPLAT”.

REEVESTROM: Is this the whole party?
HOMER: [peeling himself off] Y-eeeessss-s…..ow….
REEVESTROM: Well….I’m glad you all made it. [sticks out hand]
NED: [takes it grudgingly] Thanks. S’nice to meet you too, actually. Good to see a BurnsRa employee that knows when to do the right thing.
REEVESTROM: To tell the truth, I was against the Really Old People project from the start. And I’m not saying all this post-humously to make myself look better. If I’d gotten out early, I’d never have been able to meet you now like I am.
NED: You’ve got a point. Thanks for everything, man.
HERB: Yeah, you’re a real green cherry, pal.
FRINK: Huh?
BALPHAZAR: I think that’s the equivalent of “peach” here…
FRINK: Oh. Should have known. Um, Mr. Reevestrom sir?
REEVESTROM: Yes, professor?
FRINK: Errr….Is it alright if we go now? We’re trying to finish this whole thing before we hit the one hundred-page, er, hour mark.
HOMER: Sure has been a couple’a crazy days, eh? Eh?
HERB: Don’t start.
REEVESTROM: Very well. Just let me bring out my guests for a few minutes and I’ll be out of your way. Toddene? Rodene?

NED’s eyes go wide with surprise as REEVESTROM ushers NED’s children out of their hiding place. They look like ROD and TODD, albeit a bit younger and wearing, um, dresses. They hug.

NED: Awww, kids! You came to say goodbye to daddy, didn’t you?
TODDENE: Of course, daddy! We hope you win against that nasty ol’ Smitheroth!
NED: That’s my girl!
RODENE: But daddy, we’re boys!
NED: Heh heh heh, you should know better than to play around like that, honey.
RODENE: But….I wanna wear trousers and ride my bike across the street….
NED: [quickly] I said you’re girls. [normally] Now you scoot along, Mr. Reevestrom here will take care of you.
FRINK: Um….
HERB: We shouldn’t ask. We really, really, really shouldn’t ask.
JESSIE: Like, ew.

The two children walk past REEVESTROM back to their hiding spot. He turns to follow them, waves back at the party (they wave too, of course), and disappears. NED stands back up, dusts himself up with his good hand, and rejoins the party like nothing happened.
NED: What’re you lookin’ at?
FRINK: I…uh….the ground. I am looking at the ground. [looks down] My, what an interesting use of….cement….and….gravel….
SCRATCH: Do you guys want to come or not?
JESSIE: Of course we do! Anything’s better than standing here and watching Mr. Ned’s twisted mind unfold itself!
NED: Hey!

JESSIE bounds away after SCRATCH, with NED in hot pursuit. The camera switches to a shot of a cobbled bridge underneath the platform that houses the laser. They are about to climb up when something off-screen stomps into hearing, making the bridge shake slightly. They turn. Standing before them in all it’s glory is a three-story robot that looks suspiciously like BENDER from ‘Futurama’ (weren’t expecting that, were you?). Behind his translucent eyes can be seen QUIMDIGGER and SCARLETANIA, who are controlling the contraption.

SCARLETANIA: Hee hee hee! Look what we have here, a bunch of raggedy little rebels! Hee hee hee! [jiggles]
QUIMDIGGER: [watching] Oh, yeah….Er, ah! I mean, yes! What do you think of the ‘Proud Bender’, you, ah, annoying little nobodies? This thing can squash you flat in less time than it takes me to ogle my, ah, good companion here!
SCARLETANIA: [coy, jiggling] Oh, you! Hee hee hee!
QUIMDIGGER: Oh, how I love this job. [to the rebels] DIE!

The pair move switches and push buttons, causing the PROUD BENDER to step forward and menace the party. He crouches slightly and makes a growling sound. The party takes a step back, HOMER whispering out the side of his mouth to FRINK.

HOMER: Got any ideas?
FRINK: Ummm….hang on a nanosecond….

FRINK takes off his backpack, opens it, and rummages around. Each time he grabs something he holds it up before putting it back in the bag. He pulls out and puts back in an umbrella, a copy of ‘Modern Scientist Home Journal’, a banana and an unopened package of batteries. Then he pulls out a six-pack of ‘Duff Beer: Fako-Irradiated’. THE PROUD BENDER gasps and stares unmoving at it. FRINK looks up at it, and then back at the beer. He waves it back and forth, and the robot’s eyes follow it.

FRINK: Homer, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to make the supreme sacrifice….
HOMER: Wha?! No way man, I gave that to you to carry for me, not to chuck away!
FRINK: Just one can?
HOMER: No!
MARGE: Homer, please. It’ll help save the world! Probably.
HOMER: [looks into her face] Ohhh, alright. If it’ll help save the world…
FRINK: Thank you.
FRINK pulls one can out of the rings and gives HOMER the rest of it. He holds up the can in clear sight of the robot.

FRINK: Fetch!

FRINK turns and throws the can over the side of the bridge. The PROUD BENDER prances quickly and merrily after it, giggling madly. QUIMDIGGER and SCARLETANIA scream in protest as he goes over the side. Nothing is heard for several seconds. Then there is a loud “CRUNCH”. FRINK goes over to the edge and calls down.

FRINK: Bye bye, nice robot!
HERB: Shame to see a thing like that go ta waste, but well done pal!
JESSIE: I have to admit, that was an okay idea of yours.

While this is going on HOMER takes a can of beer out of its ring and opens it. He drinks while the others are talking, his eyes turning pale blue and glowing brighter with every gulp.

FRINK: Well…it was a spur of the moment idea. I have absolutely no idea why it worked, but I’m not about to go down there and ask the robot anything.
MARGE: The important thing is that we’re all still alive….c’mon Homer, let’s go see what Nickjo is doing up there……Homer?
HOMER: [enjoying his beer, eyes shining] Mmmmm….glowy.

The camera cuts to the top of the laser cannon. DR. NICKJO is pressing all sorts of buttons, looking more insane than usual. He turns as the party approaches him.

NICKJO: [evilly] Hi, everybody.
FRINK: [unable to stop himself] Hi, Dr. Nick!....jo….uh….oh dear…
NICKJO: You’re all here to stop me, aren’t you?
HOMER: That’s the plan!
NICKJO: You? Pffft. You’re just a lousy Smitheroth-clone I threw out because of the food costs. You can’t do anything right. I’m not worried.
HOMER: Huh? I’m a Smitheroth-clone?! That can’t be….[pause] Actually, that might explain a few things. Like the possessions and the underwe--
MARGE: [quickly] Er, never mind that! Besides, I know you’re no clone. I bet you were just experimented on a little, he’s just saying the other things to confuse you…
HERB: That’s not that hard…*oof* [rubs his shoulder and glares at Marge]
NICKJO: Are you about done? You’re wasting my time, and my son is waiting.
APU: Your….son? Just exactly what are you doing up here, mister mad scientist sir?
NICKJO: [dismissively] Oh, this. I’m just channeling all the energy from Springar into this cannon so I can shoot it at the Not-Southern Crater to give my son all the power he needs.
NED: Uhhhh….is your son who I think he is?
NICKJO: Smitheroth?
NED: Yeah, that’s the one.
NICKJO: Good guess.
ALL: WHA?!
NICKJO: Heh heh, weren’t expecting that, were you? He is my son, his mother was my wife, a fellow scientist by the name of Patricia. [Skinner twitches] Oh, there you are Skinner. Didn’t recognize you underneath all that vampire gear. Like the arm?
SKINNER: [pissed] Urge to maul….rising….
FRINK: [trying to avert the meltdown] But wait, what about that Geneoven-lady-thing? I thought that was his, uh, “mother”.
NICKJO: Oh, no. We just injected some of her cells into him when he was a boy. Alien DNA does wonders for the body. There is the occasional side effect of insanity, though.
FRINK: Wait, wait, wait! So Smitheroth is really the son of you, Dr. Nickjo, and that Patricia lady.
NICKJO: Yes. Is there a problem with that?
FRINK: Well, then that means….[thinks about it] Urgh! [weakly] For the love of all that’s pure and good and clean and shiny and holy, I did not need that mental image. *hoo-hoy*
NICKJO: Look, it’s been fun and all, but I’ve got to get on with this.
HERB: What, you really think we’re gonna let you do that?!
NICKJO: No, that’s why I’m going to kill you first. Like I said, alien DNA does wonders….

DR. NICKJO tenses his body. It begins to shape-shift slightly into something not too nice. His teeth go all sharp, one arm begins to melt into a sort of bumpy tentacle, and he grows in size.

JESSIE: Oh my gods, this is not a good day….
MARGE: What now?!
APU: Why do we not do what Frink sir did but a few short minutes ago?
HOMER: Eh, it’s worth a try. But this is the last can I give up!!

FRINK takes out another can and waggles it in front of DR. NICKJO, then tosses it over the side. DR. NICKJO watches it go over, then turns his attention back to the party. FRINK shrugs nervously at the others. HERB sighs and rolls his eyes. He puts out his cigarette and marches over to the abomination. He pulls his javelin out of its holder and gives DR. NICKJO a good hard poke with the butt-end of it. DR. NICKO looks down at him with a mixture of surprise and anger on his face, which turns to horror when he realizes he’s tipping backwards, his size and length making it harder for him to remain upright. He falls off the top of the cannon with a howl. Eventually there is a ‘SPLAT’. HERB nonchalantly returns, pushes a random button on the control panel (which shuts off the laser), faces the group and lights up another cigarette.

HERB: Well….the bigger they are, the !@#$!in’ harder they fall, right?

The camera cuts to the top rim of the Not-Southern Crater. The party has been lowered from the airboat onto it by an enormous step-ladder, and they are looking down into the foreboding depths. After a while, HOMER speaks.

HOMER: This is it. The battle to end all battles. To end everything, come t’think about it. If we win, then ol’ Frink’ll be able to do somethin’ about this weird place we live in. [wistfully] I’ll get my hammock and nap…
MARGE: I’ll get a more manageable bust-size…
SKINNER: An actual fulfilling relationship…
APU: Opposable thumbs…
SCRATCH: Fame…
NED: A future for my kids…
JESSIE: An allowance…
HERB: Uhh….stuff…
FRINK: And I’ll be able to go back to the nice, quiet, occasionally riot-riddled life I used to lead.
NED: Yeah….it’ll all be better in the end. If there is an end, I mean. That reminds me….[looks at Frink] You sure you want to come? If you stay up here you’ll be safe, and can do your little science thing without any trouble. And if we lose, you can get out of here easily.
FRINK: R-really? You mean that?
MARGE: We wouldn’t think any less of you if you stayed.

FRINK goes quiet. The camera pans around to behind him. The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go” plays while the camera follows FRINK as he looks from each attentive group member to the airboat to inside the crater and back and forth and so on, all in time to the song. After a little over fifteen seconds of this FRINK reaches a decision and the music stops. The camera pans back to in front of him, with the rest of the group in the foreground.

FRINK: No. I’m coming with you. I….I just wouldn’t feel right if I stayed up here. I’ve got a feeling deep inside that I have something really important to do. So I’m going! Despite all that may befall me, such as the goring and the mauling and the ohlet’sgetout-ofherebeforeIchangemymindhurryhurryhurry!!!
JESSIE: How much time do we have left?
APU: Ummmm….[looks up at the comet in the sky] I would say about three hours and seventeen minutes.
HERB: Oh, swell. Down we go…

Later. The party is deep within the depths of the crater. They are carefully making their way down a long spiral of steps suspended in the air, which leads to a small cave from which cometh eerie light. They reach the bottom and pause outside the door, checking their weapons.

NED: Sure went to a lot of trouble for us, didn’t he?
SKINNER: Indeed. Though in retrospect maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t keep himself entirely focused….we shall see.
JESSIE: Hey, prof, what are you using for your weapon?
FRINK: My…weapon? Oh dear, I forgot about that. Let me just *ng-hey* check my little backpack…[fishes around in it] …AHA!
JESSIE: It’s a pencil.
FRINK: Uh….yes, a sharp pencil! [stabs the air with it]
JESSIE: Whatever. Your life, pal.
FRINK: I am all too aware of that….

HOMER checks his sword, hold it in attack position, and motions with his head to the others to follow. They all take one last deep breath, and charge into the cave.

The camera cuts to just inside the cave, above the doorway. The party is seen rushing in and skidding to a stop, looking up with mouths open and eyes buggy.

HOMER: CHEEEEE-AAAAARRRRR-HOLY CRAP!!!

The camera cuts to what they see. It is SMITHEROTH. Well, technically speaking. He is four stories tall and ridiculously muscular, the Really Dark Gray Parteria embedded in his chest. His arms end in what looks like a cross between tentacles and flippers, and he has various glowing things and other unmentionable stuff growing out of him. He is minus his glasses and his hair is streaming out behind him. He glares down at the bewildered party and smiles coldly.

SMITHEROTH: [booming voice] WELCOME.
FRINK: A-homina-homina-homina….
HOMER: Er. Ah. Gee. Oh boy.
APU: [uncertain] Charge?
JESSIE: Be my guest.
MARGE: [regaining her composure] Oh, that is it. [facing the others] Are we going to run? Is Mindy going to have died in vain? Are we going to just let the world end and not even try to fight for something better? You can do what you like, I’m going in. [marches off]
FRINK: That’s one brave lady.
HOMER: Yeah…Marge? Marge! [runs after her]

The rest of the party looks at each other uncertainly. Then they become determined and work up their nerve to attack.

It’s an interesting battle sequence. It’s too hard and complicated to describe in full, but just know that SMITHEROTH spends the entire time trying to attack and cast spells on all nine at once. HOMER is jumping around and slashing with his giant sword. NED is emptying his gun-arm at everything that moves. APU is biting and clawing. SCRATCH is casting spells using bits of Parteria. MARGE is leaping and twirling and performing various acts of martial arts. JESSIE is somersaulting about and throwing shuriken. SKINNER is zooming around, clawing with his robotic arm and shooting a rifle with his normal one. HERB is launching himself high into the air with his javelin, coming down with great impact. And FRINK is at the very bottom, kicking SMITHEROTH’s heel with every bit of energy he has.

Eventually SMITHEROTH can’t take anymore. With a burst of light the scene changes. The party finds themselves floating high in a cloudy blue sky. SMITHEROTH has changed form, now he is slightly smaller and less icky looking. He is hovering in the air, everything below his torso apparently made out of feathers. He has four large wings down there, and his right arm is a combination of a fifth wing and a tentacle-thingy. The battle continues as before, with FRINK floating aimlessly around.

Once again, SMITHEROTH can’t take the onslaught anymore. A bright light flashes, and the group finds themselves floating in a completely different sky. It looks like outer space, and the stars fill the sky. There is a sensation of wind rushing by at fantastic speeds. They look down at the source of it, and see SMITHEROTH. He is not in a fantastic shape anymore, merely his normal body. He is only wearing his pants and boots, and is clutching the Mammamia. He eyes the group with respect, but coolly and without fear. He waits.

MARGE: Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be the worst of the three?
JESSIE: ‘Cause he’s not wearing his shirt?
APU: No, I have got that worrying feeling in the back of my mind also. It is quite distressingly similar to that feeling one gets when one is choking and there is no one around to hit you on the back.
FRINK: [pulls out the guide] Well, according to this….oh dear. This part isn’t in here. We’re on our own.
HOMER: I could always charge ‘im…
HERB: This ain’t no time to be the brave one, Homer. Believe it or not, I’d prefer it if you stayed out of this one…
VOICE: I have an idea.

They look around. FRINK starts, and takes off his backpack. It moves, and opens to reveal BALPHAZAR.

BALPHAZAR: Well….it’s just a rumor I heard on the Internet. I’m not sure if it’ll actually work.
FRINK: I’m game. I’ve gotta get out of this place, if it’s the last thing I ever do!
BALPHAZAR: Well….all right.

He leans forward and whispers in FRINK’s ear. FRINK raises his eyebrows and looks at BALPHAZAR.

FRINK: Really? Is that true?
BALPHAZAR: Near as I know. Does that make you feel better?
FRINK: Y…yes. Yes. Yes it does.
FRINK carefully closes the flap back over BALPHAZAR and puts the backpack on. He takes out his pencil, blows on the tip, and inspects it. Then he turns to the others.

FRINK: I am going down to meet my hopefully-not-too-messy future. Wish me luck.
NED: What are you going to do?
FRINK: Just…watch. And be prepared to run away really, really fast. *glaven*

FRINK “walks” down to SMITHEROTH, who is still waiting. The camera switches to a side view as he comes to a stop just in front of SMITHEROTH. He is looking extremely nervous and unsure of himself. SMITHEROTH raises his eyebrows.

SMITHEROTH: Well?
FRINK: Um….DOINK!

FRINK lashes out so fast that it surprises SMITHEROTH, who looks down at the small red scratch that is the wound FRINK’s pencil made. He then looks back at FRINK with annoyance.

SMITHEROTH: Ow! What? Oh, come on, what did you think that wou-- [expression changes] Oh. Damn. [dies]
FRINK: [staring down in shock] I can’t believe that that just worked!!!
HERB (OS): FRINK!!!

FRINK stops staring at the corpse of SMITHEROTH and looks back up at the rest of the party. They are motioning urgently for him to come back up. He only then realizes that the world is collapsing around him. He pockets the pencil and races back up to them.

NED: We’ve got to get out of here! The whole damn place is breaking up!
FRINK: Of course! It was all generated by Smitheroth’s power, and now that he’s died it’s all going kablooie! [pause] You know, this has really been an interesting day. [passes out]

FRINK lands in NED’s arms, and is promptly slung over his shoulder. The party races back towards a point of light that is the exit back to sanity, the starry sky behind them rippling and tearing.

Camera cuts to outside the crater. CAPTAIN MCCALLISTER and his MATE are entertaining themselves aboard the airboat, playing a sort of card game. There is a small pile of gold coins on the crate between them. The MATE slaps down his cards.

MATE: …Triple Triad! Kupopo, I get the whole Moogleload!
CAPTAIN: Yarrrrr, but I had a Chocobo King and a pair of Tonberries! How could you beat that? Not fair, says I!
MATE: Oh, don’t be such a--hey, the passengers made it back in one piece.
CAPTAIN: Don’t try to change the subject!

Their game is upset as the party clambers back aboard. Despite the CAPTAIN’s protests, HERB leaps towards the controls and takes over.

The airboat zooms through the air at top speed. HERB doesn’t hit the breaks until the Not-Southern Crater is a small blob on the horizon. They nervously watch it while MARGE and HOMER try to wake up FRINK.

FRINK: Glabargle. Am I…am I dead? Please say yes. Oh pretty please….
BALPHAZAR (muffled): You ain’t dead! Now get offa me!
FRINK: Ah, shucks. [sits up, lets the monkey out]
MARGE: Are you okay?
FRINK: Unfortunately, yes.
HOMER: What the hell happened? How did you beat Smitheroth?
FRINK: Well…I just acted on a game rumor that my assistant here imparted to me.
MARGE: What was the rumor?
FRINK: That the third incarnation of the final boss only had one, single hit point. Heck, I bet that he still would’ve died if I’d slapped him or poked him in the arm with my finger really, really hard.
HOMER: Wow.
FRINK: I swear, these video games can be so strange sometimes. Oh, here comes that comet….

Everybody looks up. The comet has entered the atmosphere, and is headed straight for them. However, as it goes through that experience known as “friction”, it breaks up into smaller bits. It eventually reaches a very small size. It lazily makes its way down to the deck of the airboat, pinging off of NED and SKINNER’s arms before landing at FRINK’s feet. He pulls a pair of special gloves out of his pack and picks it up.

SCRATCH: Gee, thank goodness for the heavy amount of pollution BurnsRa pumped into the ozone.
FRINK: Its…uh, it’s the size of a moogle’s skull.

Everyone is silent. Then they turn and look at HOMER.

HOMER: Well, I’ll be jiggered. It did exactly what I thought it would do! [realizes] Oh. Wow….I was right, wasn’t I?
MARGE: Yeah.
HOMER: Oh. Wow.
HERB: Uh huh.
HOMER: That’s….a little worrying, isn’t it?
SKINNER: Very much so.
HOMER: Okay. Let’s change the subject, then. There goes the crater!

They look at the crater in the distance. The energy of the Planet, messed around with by SMITHEROTH, is flowing out uncontrolled. Things are becoming warped. The wind picks up tremendously. A loud beeping and whirring sound can be heard, and FRINK reaches into his backpack again. He is handed the Frinkodyne 3000 by BALPHAZAR, who leaves his hiding place and perches on the railing. FRINK gasps.

FRINK: We….we did it! WE DID IT!!!!
HOMER: We did? [raises arms] Woohoo!
FRINK: [dancing] We did, we actually did! My little Frinkodyne 3000 is working again, it’s noted the end of the game and is preparing to restructure the universe in that special little way of it’s! Hang on tight, everything’s about to go normal!
MARGE: Then….this is the end of this world. None of this will have ever happened…
APU: Nor will we ever remember this or meet each other as each other.
JESSIE: That’s….just the tiniest bit depressing. I kinda had fun here.
FRINK: Well….look at it this way. You’ll still have fun in the other world!
SKINNER: I do hope you are right.
FRINK: So do I. [facing everyone] Goodbye, everybody. It was a wild, wacky, wondrous, weird and….uh, wild adventure. And away-ee-ng-hey I go!

FRINK grabs BALPHAZAR by the tail and jumps overboard, waving with his other arm at the variations of acquaintances that he had come to know so well. He isn’t scared anymore. He looks again at the Frinkodyne 3000, pushing the odd button here and there. Then the world explodes around him. Everything twists and blurs together until the world is black, and nothing is seen but the two falling figures. The wind can be heard howling. The camera switches to above them, so that we can see the spinning, falling figures as they grow tinier and tinier.

The camera cuts. It is FRINK’s living room, quite normal and empty. We can see through the windows that it is now daytime. Only a few days worth of hours have actually passed, as is the case with video-game storylines. A very faint screaming is heard, growing louder. A black hole forms in the ceiling, and FRINK and BALPHAZAR come crashing through, landing on the couch in sitting positions.

They sit there in silence for several seconds, breathing hard and blinking. Then they turn their heads slowly and look at each other.

FRINK: Home again, home again?
BALPHAZAR: Jiggity jog. Oh boy.
FRINK: Home? HOME!! [leaps up] Oh boy, we’re actually home again!!! I can’t believe it. My couch! My desk! My Condensationator! It’s all here! [he hugs his gadgets to his chest lovingly] Oh, home! [pause] I wonder if the others felt anything….

Cut to the Simpson house. HOMER is looking in the bathroom mirror, frowning. MARGE comes in.

MARGE: Homer, your brother just called. I wasn’t sure what he was so excited about, I think it has something to do with a line of rockets….What’s the matter, Homer?
HOMER: I’unno. For a moment there I thought I had a really stylish hair-do goin’ for me.
MARGE: Hrrrrmmmmm….you’re probably just imagining things again. Though I will admit, a moment ago I could have sworn I was gravitating forward for some reason.
HOMER: What happen?

Cut to the Kwik-E-Mart. Normal human APU is standing at the cash register as usual when SNAKE walks in with a gun and a sack.

SNAKE: Okay, you know the drill. Like, money. Sack. Now.
APU: Very well sir, I….I…

APU’s face goes blank for a moment. Then he frowns, growls, and leaps over the counter on top of the surprised SNAKE. There is much biting and growling and rending of vest.

Cut to just outside PRINCIPAL SKINNER’s office window at Springfield Elementary. EDNA KRABAPPEL is standing at the window, smoking a cigarette, and looking down outside with interest. WILLIE walks in, curious.

WILLIE: What’re ye lookin’ at, miss?
EDNA: Eh, Seymour jumped out the window. Mumbled something about being able to fly.
WILLIE: Ah. Enother flashbeck, then?
EDNA: I guess so. [pulls on cigarette]
SKINNER (from below): Ow….

Cut to a suburb street. JESSICA LOVEJOY is walking down the sidewalk. She glances at MILHOUSE and BART, who are playing marbles in the street. She continues walking, but then does a double-take. She rushes over.

JESSICA: [forcefully] Give me those marbles!!!
BART/MILHOUSE: Aaaaa!!! [they run off]
JESSICA: [picking them up] Shiiiiny rooocks….

She goes shifty-eyed and clutches them to her chest. Then she dashes off down the street.

Cut back to FRINK in his living room.

FRINK: Nah, I’m sure they’re just fine.

He sets down his contraptions, and sits down on the couch. BALPHAZAR is still sitting there, watching him.

FRINK: Well, Balphazar, that’s the end of that. A whole, strange story has unfolded and refolded like so much dry cleaning, and here we are, safe at home again. *hoo-hey* Have we learned anything? Have we learned how to survive in a strange place? Have we learned how to work well with others? Have we learned not to do the messing with the things?
BALPHAZAR: Um…have we?
FRINK: [pause] No, I guess not. Still, we had an interesting time of it, eh? [stretches back, hands behind head] I’m just glad to be safe at last. *glaven* Saaaaafe at laaaaast…..

As FRINK relaxes on the couch, the fantasy MIDI from the beginning starts to play. The camera pans upwards and to the side, until it settles on a cluttered shelf. A few things move on the shelf, and a small green lizard-type thing with yellow eyes and a brown robe emerges. The MIDI changes to the ‘Psycho’ theme as the Tonberry raises a large butcher knife high into the air. The screen immediately goes black, the theme music ending on one deep, drawn-out note. The screen stays black for several seconds. Then the words ‘THE END…OR IS IT?’, done in the same silvery script as the beginning sequence fade-in, hang there for several seconds, and fade back out to black. Th-th-th-that’s all, folks.

The ending credits roll. R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” plays the entire time as various clips from the episode are shown. The credits end with the end of the song. The last clip ends with a still of FRINK screaming, then fades out.

And that’s it. I’m going to bed.
Sheana.